otherwise known as bean...

we've merged

2008-08-16T07:36:00.002-04:00

http://andthechildrendranklemonade.blogspot.com/
(new guevara family blog)

kids-isms

2008-05-18T16:55:00.006-04:00

luci at the park to total stranger: hi! i'm luci! what country are you from?
random 4 year old girl: (pause) haslett
luci: oh yay! (clapping) i'm from michigan!

luci coming home from school looking sad: my friend cried today mommy.
me: why?
luci: she missed her mommy.
me: what did you do?
luci: i hugged her and told her everything would be alright.
me: ... was it hard for you to see your best friend cry?
luci: no...actually i got a pretty good look.

luci rubs my belly and says softly, "don't you worry. i'm big sister luci and i'll take good care of you. i can't wait to meet you." lijah smacks my belly and gets huge eyes, "BABY INSIDE?!!" then he points to his tummy, "BABY INSIDE?!!"

lij takes off running after a squirrel with reckless abandon. i can barely keep up with him. suddenly the squirrel stops and looks directly at him. "WASSSZAT?!" he shrieks, afraid and perplexed, unsure of why he was chasing at all.

lij nomenclature... red=james. pink=rosie. blue=thomas. brown=toby. something big and tall=cranky nah crane. airplane=jeremy. ceiling fans/helicopters=harold. white=harold. yellow/orange/beige=murdoch. dark green=whiff.

then there's gary. on our way up north a porcupine wandered into the middle of the highway. then as it was almost across it changed direction and ran right into our wheel. i didn't swerve, as it was a misty dark foggy night, and i didn't want to lose control. g asks, "are we going to get a flat tire now?"

update to the 'i feel so alone' post

2008-04-23T11:18:00.004-04:00

i saw the patient personally in the clinic. she turned over a new leaf. her baby was doing fine, her bleeding had stopped, and she was going to try to start working again. she told me she had made a commitment to becoming a better mother than she had been, and had newfound strength in this little life growing inside of her. i reached out and gave her a big hug.

then... 5 days later. she miscarried.

when kids are the teachers

2008-04-23T07:46:00.004-04:00

referencing the former post regarding the bully... days passed and i asked luci one day, what happened to your bully? she said, "you mean my friend?"
"what?!"
"yeah... i asked her if she wanted to be friends instead of fighting."
"and she said yes?"
"yes... and she wanted to be BEST friends too."

then last night... i was so angry i was seeing red. i was helping luci make a peanut butter & jelly sandwich, but getting frustrated because she wanted one slice toasted, one slice not toasted, peanut butter first, and jelly not jam. i suddenly felt a cold splash on my foot. when i turned around elijah had emptied a tub of yogurt onto the kitchen rug and shaken it all over the counter, himself, and everything within a four foot radius. after cleaning it up with the clorox wipes (a.k.a. poison wipes, mommy, and don't touch it on my skin!) i sank onto the couch with a big sigh. to add insult to injury, luci didn't eat the sandwich because she was too emotionally bent out of shape by the yogurt incident.

i said rather plainly, "Lord... please comfort me."

and of course... He placed a fleeting image in my mind. it was of me, except that i was old, demented, forgetful, messy. and the kids were now tending to my needs.

okay. i get it.

j.goolia@timeout.com

2008-03-10T17:36:00.003-04:00

i watched luci open the laptop, turn it on, double click internet explorer, select nickjr.com from the dropdown menu, double click on games, and start playing away with more dexterity than i ever had playing super mario brothers. mmmbop mmmbop mmbop (the sound when mario was in the basement/dungeon).

i think of all the wonderful things i want to show her. then i think of all the things out there seeking to corrupt her. she's already in the formative stages! for example, there's a bully at her school named julia. **UHGGHG!** it kills me to think that this bossy little girl is throwing stuff at her and knocking her down. but get this... lucia won't tell the teacher. we keep asking her why, and she evades us with comments like, 'oh, i was busy playing...' or she changes the subject entirely. wow. finally i said, luci, are you afraid to tell the teacher? she said yes.... because julia is friends with a girl named eva, and if she tells on julia, then eva might not be her friend... and "that's why i don't like my new school, mommy." she's only four, and she doesn't understand the whole eva-is-not-your-true-friend-if-she-won't-be-your-friend-if-you-tell-on-julia thing.

i remember when luci was 2 weeks old. i changed a particularly rancid diaper, and it suddenly reminded me of a nursing home. then i had this image of her growing really old, and that i would likely not be there (physically) to take care of her. it made me extremely sad. i can't cushion her from everything, though. especially when she won't stand up for herself.

gary, i guess, already had a talk with the teacher, who says julia is always in timeout. he seems to think she's a troubled girl with problems at home. FINE. but don't throw that stuff in my daughter's face! hence... the ripple effect of sin.

and so it begins.

i feel so alone

2008-03-06T17:30:00.001-05:00

so i can’t give out too many details or else it would be a violation of privacy.
so there’s this woman on the ward, with a bunch of other kids at home. i guess her boyfriend, the father of her children, is in and out of jail. she is currently living with his mother. but now she’s pregnant with another man’s child, and facing eviction from her boyfriend’s mother’s house, along with all her children.

now she’s well into the second trimester and she starts bleeding. there’s an abnormality with the placenta which means she needs to be on bedrest so she won’t bleed. then we get an ultrasound to see where things are at and discover her fluid levels are low. by the way, the bleeding she’s experiencing can indeed happen with the kind of placenta she has, but it has way more to do with her history of cocaine and other illicits.

yes it’s a complicated pregnancy. but baby is doing fine and actually looks quite content in there. her bleeding is minimal.

then one of the residents gets a bright idea. since she didn’t want or intend this baby anyway… we should get a better ultrasound through the high risk doctor, given her decreased fluid levels. and maybe, hopefully, we’d find an abnormality… so she could just abort the baby… and be a ‘better mom to her kids’ because she needs to be there for them too. the patient was all for it.

my heart was broken.

this baby did not ask to be conceived.

abortion is not going to solve the fact that her boyfriend is in jail, that she uses coke, that she had an affair while living under her boyrfriend’s roof and likely while his mother was watching her children.

but abortion WILL stop this hopeful little heartbeat from ever reaching it’s destiny – who knows? fireman, priest, sister, rock star, best friend, writer, scrabble geek…

we’ll never know.

but everyone thinks it will solve EVERYTHING.

it's friday and i apologize that i've got potty humor

2008-02-01T11:38:00.000-05:00

the kids have a play kitchen stocked with play food. there's a baked potato which is light brown and semi-shiny which looks like a turd. in fact whenever i see it, i jump, thinking, 'oh, there's a turd on my floor.' this past week i was really sick. on a day that i was alone with the kids nursing a 103 degree fever, i saw a brown lump on the floor. oh, it's that potato again, i thought. but then i noticed there was more texture to it, and elijah was walking like a cowboy, checking out the bottoms of his feet. yes, he had pooed, and it escaped the diaper, slid down his pants and onto the hallway. needless to say i made everyone FREEZE until the situation was handled.

but last night gary was in bed horsing around with the kids. the story was fresh in his mind. i found the plastic baked potato and put it under the blanket. then i moved the blanket exposing the potato and screamed, 'oh my gosh! when did that happen?!' gary freaked out, then started laughing because he knew i got him pretty good.

this morning we were talking about hemorrhoids in general. i stated that, overall, preparation H works really well, especially if refrigerated, it's more soothing. i pursed my lips and everted them in a tortuous manner, demonstrating the 'before-the-preparation-H-rectum'... then i relaxed my lips to demonstrate the 'after-the-medication' rectum.

gary looked at me for a really long time and finally said, "....thanks...for the imitation... of my ass."

and it was only 6am.

do you like chocolate?

2008-01-26T13:44:00.001-05:00

that's the first thing luci asked me one morning.

"of course i do. dark."

"oh," she sighed. "because i had a dream about you and me. you quit your job. and i stopped going to school. and we had a chocolate factory and never left each other's side. ever."

lij-isms

2008-01-03T14:21:00.000-05:00

this picture is evidence of how much lij loves thomas. note the train impression on his face. he can's sleep without that forsaken diecast blue buddy, which always ends up under my shoulder blade by 4am. it was taken shortly after i woke up, after a very long nite of gastroenteritis including 3 rounds of vomit, and only 2 of dry heaving. note that he's wrapped in towels... after we decided we could no longer dress him in pajamas, only to peel them off and rebathe him. prior to my eyelids closing for the last time, i overheard a conversation with gary and lij that went something like this:

lij: hey dada? cana da pa go THOM-as. (something about Thomas)
g: really? (not understanding)
lij: yyyyyeeah! atta de GO-don (something about Gordon)
g: really? (still not understanding)
lij: yyyyyeah!
g: nite-nite, i love you!
lij: a bayou. (i love you)

i was walking around old navy trying to get some serious shopping done. i turned a corner and saw lij standing there with gary. he turned to me and said so loudly, "a bayou!!!" and he threw his big boy arms around my leg.

me: "i love you!" ... say it...
lij: a bayou.
me: say "love."
lij: wuv.
me: say "i love you."
lij: a bayou.

i love watching him move around the house. he's either looking for luci, or luci's toys. "oosheeah, whereshe go?" then the members of thomas the train:
sir topham hatt = de HA ha
sir handel = de handle gey
percy = poosy (heh heh)

if i had a dvd hookup to my brain...

2007-11-30T06:05:00.000-05:00

you could see the highs and lows of the last month or so since i've blogged. things started on a scary note, when beautiful precious lij decided to stop breathing. all because of the beloved thomas toothbrush gary took away because it was bedtime. "lucky" that my dad was right there as i lay dozing on the couch. i guess lij cried so hard he didn't get a breath in... which made him dizzy and pass out... which made him, again, not breathe. i heard a thump and wandered off the couch to see what was up. then out of nowhere my dad was on top of him giving him mouth to mouth, and my mom was screaming in terror. i felt my world collapse. i just saw the top of his fuzzy little head not moving. his chubby boy limbs were limp. i'm embarrassed now. instead of calling for the angels i yelled, "s**t!"

gulp. but things have gotten better since. how could they not? everything came into glaring perspective. i've done my best to super-indulge the kids, not with stuff, but with me-time... something they almost never get. i had a "date" with luci. we had the babysitter come in anyway, and i had the morning off since i put in a late night. luci and i had breakfast at mcD's... then, again i'm ashamed to admit... i tried to coerce her to come shopping with me. but she, come to think of it, started coercing me to go to the park. luci will never say, "hey, there's a park, let's go to it." she'll say something like, "oh, look at the beautiful swing and slide... i think they wouldn't be so lonely if we could play on them for just a little bit." so we went to the park. and i decided to put my all into getting into the mindset of a 4 year old girl. we were there for 2.5 hours in 40 degree sunshine. noses running, fingers cold, we pressed on. we played with EVERY piece of equipment, which is a lot! i learned that girls, too, could hunt squirrels, even if left alone. i learned that ginko leaves look like green ballet skirts, especially if stuck onto a piece of paper. i learned that big trees get lonely and need a hug, and little trees need leaves at their bases so they don't get cold. i also learned that luci could have stayed on for another 2 hours.

then came two back-to-back weekends away from the kids. hence the morbid previous blog. i thought, for real, there was a possibility our plane would go down. we spent the first weekend in fairfax, attending the Tepeyac gala. that was so awesome... there are some really high rollers out there! it was a dinner/auction set to raise money for the practice, to help serve the needs of the poor and crisis pregnancies. there were people younger than us bidding on huge stuff, e.g., 25 year old guy winning a 10K bracelet for his wife. or the other guy buying a round of golf for 4 buddies at 6K. i always wondered how that practice survived in such a counter-culture society... totally by the benefactors! they made an announcement, that only 50 OB/gyns in the nation are willing to practice in accord with the Catholic Church, and that 5 were attending the gala. so that was 10% of the U.S. right there. they presented a bouqet of roses to me. the weird thing is i felt it came right from Mary, as if to say, "i know."

the second weekend away was in York Harbor, Maine, where rox got married. that's the time the plane almost really DID go down. fingers and i were looking out of the window, squealing about how a lot of the homes in new hampshire looked like "who's the boss." fingers was starting to sing the theme when the plane took a huge dip. turbulence shmurbulence. it was testing my faith. yes i did miss the kids that weekend, but i think i spent the whole time laughing about something else, at least. we got there at 10am and said, so, where can we get lobster? ever since that meal, barring breakfast, we had lobster. i also attained a private maine accent which i didn't drop until we landed at dtw. "CHOWDAH!"

the most surreal... singing 'only you' with susan holmes, fingers, g, anne choi, and rox. realizing that 10 years ago a bunch of us (plus gaz) were living in the townhouse, agonzing about what to do with our lives. what would the next 10 years hold? i came to the conclusion that, even if i could go back in time and give myself advice, i wouldn't give anything of the future away. i'd truly just say, have faith, love HIM, have fun, and you're all set.

the most touching... i called luci on the way back to the airport. she was blowing several kisses into the phone, a.k.a., "giving me all her loveness." "mommy, you are my best friend and i never ever never want you to leave, because you are mine forever. i will not hang up on you so we can talk all the way home." just had a misty-eyed thought... God loves us AT LEAST that much.

if we go

2007-11-10T07:00:00.001-05:00

know we loved you very much
and still do
and still pray for you
don't be sad
because this life is so short
and eternity is forever
be good
and love HIM
so we can play forever
and never go to work

-mommy and daddy

tough questions from lucia

2007-10-19T11:43:00.000-04:00

why do people smoke?
why is snow white the only disney princess that prays?
why do you spank us when you tell us not to hit?
why can't i marry daddy?
how come i can't see God?
why can i only wear makeup on stage?
when it's good night and then it gets good morning, are you going to work?

tears of joy

2007-10-07T23:37:00.000-04:00

luci and i are really into barbie movies. one just came out - the island princess. there's this one part which really gets me choked up... when the island princess finally finds her long lost mother, and they reunite with a lullaby that she remembers from childhood. luci always refers to those moments as "when people get happy and then cry tears of joy." here are other moments, to name a few:

luci knowing the sorrowful mysteries
luci sharing her trix with lij
luci praying to Daddy God for courage
luci snuggling and telling me my voice is the nicest sound in all the world
luci making a thank you card to our guardian angels for taking care of us
luci telling me snow white is her favorite disney princess because she prays

lij spontaneously tickling me during 'spiders crawling up your sleeve'
lij searching for my tummy to rub at bedtime
lij reaching for Mommy Mary ("Mama Mee") as if she'll pick him up

today we did one of the most stressful things for me. we stood in the prayer chain again, holding "abortion kills" signs. luci and i prayed aloud in the car beforehand for courage. it's so easy to be in an office, with a patient telling me she wants an abortion, to search her heart and help her confront her fears. however, to hold my temper, to open myself and my family up to the angry mob of pro-choicers, to endure the nastiness and sheer ignorance of the passersby... that's a whole different story. i searched for strength, but felt God was silent. then this guy walked right behind luci and me and said, "you're all wrong, man. pro-choice is the way. y'all vote for republicans too. pro-choice is the way." i felt a surge of anger grip my heart. i turned to gary and said, "so help me, how can you not get in his face?" gary smiled. then God spoke gently, "because that man has aborted many of his own children...and that's how he deals with it."

whitehills

2007-09-26T07:54:00.000-04:00

so sunday was like any other sunday; managed to get up early to get the kids to mass at the nursing home, where gary is the eucharistic minister. the kids love showing off in front of the "great grandmas". but we have to stop at the church first to get the brown 1970's pleather suitcase full off candles, crucifix, and other altar necessities. then gary hands me this small round golden container and says, "you got Him?" suddenly my world seems to get quiet. how can i hold Him? i'm so unworthy. i just swore the other day. i get jealous easily. now i'm cradling the King. Jesus...hi. this is the car. these are the kids. gary laughs when i tell him this. the first time he rode with Jesus, he wondered if he should arrange the seatbelt around him.

elijah is growing into... a big baby. i think just being behind luci allows him to embrace the role as baby of the family. even around other boys his age +/- 6 weeks he walks and talks differently. but i think he's holding out on us. occasionally he'll pipe up with a 4 word sentence, "dada, wh' arre yoooou?" or "up above the world (so high)..." but he still doesn't call me mommy!
lijah say daddy -- "da-dee"
lijah say luci -- "u-cee-yah"
lijah say mommy -- "buh bye"
what?! ok, say tommy (thomas train) -- "toh-mee"
now say mommy -- "buh bye"

luci's big thing is scooby doo, the 1970s reruns. i never thought, way back when i was a pudgy 3rd grader wearing gibby's hand-me-downs, that i'd have a lovely daughter some day, watching the same episodes. it's sorta funny that our family's definition of a "scaaaary movie" is scooby doo "run and hyde."

gotta run.

coincidence?

2007-08-11T21:26:00.000-04:00

i was on call friday night. i had a dream that lisa, the junior resident, needed me to come in, but i was out of town. in my dream i began to travel back ... then the phone actually rang. the unit secretary said, "come in, lisa needs you." so i tiptoed around in the dark, only to hear gary say, "i was dreaming that we were trying to get the kennedys elected." "okay, that's random," i laughed. gary always had west wing aspirations. "go back to sleep," i whispered, leaving the house. when i got to the hospital the nurses were frantic. "we need you in room 106! we haven't gotten her bleeding to stop and the attending isn't here yet!" so i walked in, said hello, worked on the mom. eventually her bleeding slowed and she ultimately ended up with a transfusion. i left the room, but couldn't find her chart. i asked the secretary, "what's the last name of the patient in room 106?" "kennedy."

roadtripping

2007-07-25T16:58:00.001-04:00

best quotes...
luci: if you want to go somewhere, take a magic cow! (at the cow-shaped bench outside a Penn State creamery)

gary: wait! turn back to that station! that was bryan adams!
mad: oh, pleeease. why don't you put on some black jeans and peg them...
gary: don't tempt me.

lij: ahh daah! (in a sing-song voice)
mad: i think he just said all done! why?
gary: (sniffs) oh! he just pooped!
lij: ahh daah!

best moments...
watching lij with his first ice cream cone (held by himself)
lij trying to tiptoe off undetected into the ocean at rehoboth beach
luci and me playing like mermaids in the water
taking pictures with luci's fisher price camera
the mountains
the countryside at sunrise... and sunset
the car dvd player with 7 straight einsteins episodes burned (a life-saver)
wesley's baptism... denouncing satan 3x while facing west
coffee to go
watching lij gasp and laugh with all the windows rolled down, hair blowing
collecting shiny rocks on the beach with luci
later finding those same rocks in her pocket
chelle's awesome room dedicated to kid toys
$63 in dimes, $82 in cash we just happened to find in a blue piggy bank

19 months old

2007-07-17T13:09:00.000-04:00

he clings to my leg when i walk through the door. later he's at the fridge, holding the water dispenser button down, soaking the floor and his shirt. i change him, then lock the gate to the kitchen to keep him out. i start making dinner. he turns his attention to the tissue box which is parked on top of the couch. i hear an "uh oh" from big sister. the tissue box is now empty and our couch is white. i stuff the tissues back in the box and take a couple to wipe the sweat from his face. dinner is starting to burn. now sister has to go potty; so he runs in too, throwing the soaps and shampoo bottles from the sides of the tub into the tub. crash. i divert his attention from the bathroom, leading him away. he grabs the toilet paper roll on the way out, giving it a good yank. on the way back to the kitchen i notice a small wooden train parked halfway into the vcr door. i take it out. "no!" i say. "no!" he repeats. i put him in his chair and feed him eggs. he loves eggs. "mmmm!" he murmurs with each bite. i turn to get a napkin. he puts a handful in his hair. later he giggles as i hold him over the trash, gently shaking the crumbs from his clothes. he cries when i bathe him because sister's not bathing too. i go to fetch his milk. minutes later i find him standing in the front bedroom with fistfuls of vaseline, watching it stretch and glisten in the sunlight between his fingers. this time i call in back-up. "gaaaaaaarrrrrrryyyyyy!" we later carry him upstairs to get him to sleep. he needs medicine but refuses to take it. yesterday he vomited after we gave it. tonight he starts gagging at the sight of the dropper. we decide to sneak it into his mouth after he's asleep. but first we have to get him there. so i hold him very close. he wraps his little arm around my belly and closes his eyes. i wait 15 minutes before i start opening his bottom lip. i'm almost able to get this slim straw-like appendage in before he twitches and spits it out. then as i'm hovering precariously over him with the medicine, barely breathing, gary starts cracking up, which makes me laugh and shake the bed. lij opens his eyes and looks at me, then falls back asleep. "he's not relaxed enough. let's set the alarm for 2am so we can give him the medicine then." "okay," i agree. it seemed like a good idea. beep beep beep beep. 2am. lij and gary wake up; i don't. who needs medicine anyway?

heyo?

2007-07-12T15:49:00.000-04:00

elijah's never really said much. he does certain things so you know he's understanding things. he's now coming into his own, and i've finally deciphered some of the things he's saying. heyo? = hello? (stealing one of our cell phones); ashtebah = basketball; ije = lijah; ooshi = luci; mmMA = grandma; nana = banana; cookee = cookie; choochoo = choo choo; mami = mommy; dadi = daddy...

i came home yesterday. he came running, "yaaaay mami," burying his face into my abdomen. luci has many things to say nowadays. but she always asks, "mommy, when it's good morning, are you going to go to work?"

sigh.

luci took creative liberties at her first dance recital. her partners kind of forgot their moves, and were just standing there. so she proceeded to spin a couple of times, stop, then blow kisses to the crowd. goodness. she had such a... glow... about her when i met her offstage.

Lord, please help me to raise them the right way.

the best moment

2007-06-24T20:07:00.000-04:00

i was gumping around l&d in a bad mood. had to help with a tubal since i was the senior. people behaving miserably. a swear jar exists on the countertop of the nurse's station that's got endless coins in it. i could have contributed to it. then fr. s (parish priest, action figure-worthy) walks by and asks how i'm doing. he's only here because his sister-in-law just gave birth. i shake my head. they've been making fun of his family all day. "i need to confess." he said, "just show me the room."

i remember the first day i met their family. i was given a really bad report at sign-out. people were saying, isn't she done having kids yet?! she's got 7!! please, please, someone talk her into a tubal!!! something about a crazy lady with 7 kids and many abortions with a 'thank goodness' fetal demise. i remember taking a deep breath before i opened the door, expecting to see a foul-mouthed disheveled family with unruly kids watching montel or springer. instead i felt the love and support this family had for each other. 4 of the older kids were there, praying with their parents. the mom wore a scapular and a medal of Our Lady. yes she had several abortions too... spontaneous abortions, a.k.a. miscarriages. i wept as i delivered their 19 weeker, who survived only for a few seconds. i later learned they named him Enoch, i think, which means that he walks with God.

what's weird is the really messed up mentality out there. there's so much pressure on other people to contracept and have tubals. we're instructed to go into the room just after people have their baby and hammer down a plan for contraception before they go home. i remember the sad hopeless look i was given when i was interrogated after luci was born, and i said NFP. the rest of the staff that loves babies have to apologize like crazy when they're pregnant. "it was an accident. yes he's getting a vasectomy this month. i know it's our 3rd kid." why is it anyone's concern anyway?

fr. s and i went into the conference room, where i get my butt shredded on a daily basis, where i feel my guts seeping through my pores on post-call mornings, where i feign intelligence with a quiet stare so no one will call on me and roast me in front of the juniors. In Persona Christi. "bless me Father, for i have sinned...."

i've never felt so much peace and love (delete hippy imagery) at one single moment in that entire place. my penance: read the story of creation and realize the good that i do in cooperation with God. i left the room light-hearted. i get accosted with questions: 'you look like you're glowing! did you just have a quicky in the conference room?!'

nope. just a brief hug from God when i really needed it.

i wish i didn't know

2007-06-12T03:51:00.000-04:00

disney
pfizer
sprint
circuit city
johnson & johnson
cost plus world market
whole foods inc
nike
dr. phil
march of dimes
tiffany & company
kenneth cole
q-tips
ben & jerry's
wachovia
nationwide insurance

guess what they all have in common?
what's worse? there's more to this list.

more coolness

2007-06-11T16:03:00.000-04:00

i was just short of cracking the whip getting the kids ready for mass. luci was dawdling eating her croissant. "mommy, can you feed me Jesus bread?" she started mashing down the croissant, making it flat. anything to make her eat faster. so i repeated several times, "Body of Christ." she nodded in reverence each time saying amen. (g asked, of course, if she knew it was pretend... which she did).

later as i was getting ready to shower i was considering not taking communion. i began to reflect on the trials i fell short on during the week. maybe i should at least go to confession, i thought. then He spoke...

Jesus: you have to receive Me today
me: but... i need to confess some things first
Jesus: i've called prostitutes to come back to Me, to receive Me
me: oh... ok. thanks.

when we got to mass i realized it was the feast day of Corpus Christi, the body of our dear Lord.

elementary

2007-06-03T16:01:00.000-04:00

i was sitting with luci before mass on Pentecost Sunday, trying to think of a segue into describing what the Holy Spirit is. i said, "luci, when i say i love you, can you actually see my love? or do you just know i love you?"

yes.
really?! you can see my love?!
yes.
what does it look like?
a bird.
a bird? what color?
pink. (weird...i would've fainted if she said white)

later i was sitting with gary and i thought, could you actually see the love between us? then i smiled. duh. luci and lij.

ai to chi-ta-do

2007-05-27T07:02:00.000-04:00

yesterday we went to aileen's bbq...farewell party/birthday party. rey is cool, we definitely approve. i love that girl so much. i'm happy she's happy.

i remember when i was in 7th grade and had to go to 4-h camp. i was scared and lonely and not cool, so no one really talked to me. (they were all into makeup and boys...and i was the only brown person north of saginaw). then aileen walked into that same cabin with her stuff. we were inseparable. although i was terribly homesick, just sitting on her bed with the faint smell of mayol made everything better.

only you

2007-05-17T10:57:00.000-04:00

where did the time go? everyone's blog shares a common theme... kids growing up... being a 'grown-up'. i want to leap for joy and cry at the same time. i hear you nette, and yes, though this week i'm definitely pms'ing, the sentiment rings true most times of the month.

then the slow acoustic version of 'only you' gets played on the jcpenney commercial. yeah, the one tricia was blogging about. ha ha. brings back serious memories... like singing (badly) to g in the library (with other cohorts), begging him to return to greenies, for example. of course that was waaaaay before when we were just friends. imagine he'd marry the girl who made her own pants, the one they called 'rocket laugh'. yikes, that was 13 years ago! the power of genetics... lucia has quite a rocket laugh... and big ears. pierced ears, she'd add.

live every day like your last

2007-05-14T18:08:00.000-04:00

this morning i was running out the door. first i kissed gary as he was getting ready. then i kissed luci goodbye, but she didn't look at me. that's how she copes when she's upset that i have to work. lijah was asleep on the couch. i had exactly 14 minutes to get to the o.r. across town. i was halfway out the door before i ran back in and kissed him on the cheek. you just never know, i thought as i left. weirdly morbid, yes, but i was in such a hurry i didn't think about it the rest of the day.

surgeries went better than planned, so i started getting ready to go home at 4pm. when i know it's time to go home i always imagine the kids waiting for me. i left the parking garage and started driving at a normal pace. sixpence none the richer was on the radio and it brought me back to nostalgic times at the townhouse, when i wasn't quite sure what i wanted to do with my life.

suddenly i noticed a van heading in my direction, in oncoming traffic. see, instead of this person going past the gas station then doing a michigan u-turn to get to it, she tried to dart across five lanes of traffic, even if the last three lanes (including mine) were against traffic. bottom line is i was almost t-boned at the driver door with her van going 40 mph, and while she was looking over her shoulder to make sure traffic was clear from another angle. but i stepped on the gas and swerved, avoiding collision. for the first 5 minutes i was fuming. what a stupid moron. what a jerk. what an incompetent self-centered excuse for a human being. then it dawned on me. i'm lucky to be driving home to see my kids. it's the kind of day when you don't expect to get bad news. it's 75 degrees, partially humid, overall sunny, and we've got dinner plans at 7pm at pizza house for a friend's birthday.

so instead i'll recount the wonderful memories i've been blessed with, and i'm thankful i'm still here to be a wife and mommy. i'm glad it's not my time... yet.

top 10 luci-lijahisms
1. lij saying "uh oh, ashes" when he sees someone fall
2. luci drawing a picture of gary naked during preschool (you can clearly see the schlong)
3. luci flying her dora kite at the park
4. luci afraid of worms too (like mommy)
5. lij throttling the bluegill we caught at the park with luci's barbie fishing pole
6. luci bravely handling the aforementioned bluegill and placing it into a bucket
7. lij gently rubbing noses with luci and kissing her while she's asleep
8. lij's obligatory skin-to-skin contact (preferably his hand on your tummy) during a bottle
9. luci getting down on her knees and praying to Daddy God that sam and frodo baggins will successfully fight off the gigantic spider in return of the king
10. luci learning more parts of the rosary

best things heard today

2007-04-25T11:07:00.000-04:00

luci to gary wearing khakis and a blue polo: you look so handsome daddy... you look like a zookeeper

lij playing ring around the rosie: ash-eh ash-eh (starts hopping) ... DAH (down)!

lij listening to the wonderpets theme: heh heh... ming-ming

hairs on end

2007-04-19T11:01:00.000-04:00

i woke up at 530 after a disturbing dream. satan himself came to me. he was handsome, charming, loving. he put his hands on my shoulders and whispered in my ear, "they're not the only ones who love you. i do too." i turned to face him. he was trying to seduce me bigtime. i looked into his eyes. what's strange is he didn't actually do anything, but he was in my mind, willing me to make the first move.

a vision flashed before me. there were children at war, mostly in the 5-7 year old age range. so instead of playing, they were carrying bags of ammo and heavy weapons, running and dodging blasts, hiding behind fallen trees and sandbags. the world was on fire; the sky dark and smoky. i could see the earth's crust turning to ash and falling into the core. yet they trudged on.

he stared back kindly. i thought, Blessed Mother help me. then i said, "God...Jesus...they loved you so much. you were the most beautiful. why did you turn?" he stopped touching me and disappeared. in the background an angel (which really looked like a penguin but i could tell it was an angel) was hopping up on the bed trying to wake gary up.

another vision flashed before me. the angel/penguin descended upon the children. it began to snow, which cooled off the fires. the children began to cheer. they dropped their weapons and began to laugh, dancing and catching snowflakes as they floated from the sky.

of course gary was mad. 'how dare he come into our house and mess with my wife!' but i said, isn't he always there? when we lean in to listen to a dirty joke at work, isn't he there? when we swear, isn't he there? when we decide not to pray because we're too busy, isn't he there?

another aha moment

2007-03-19T19:35:00.000-04:00

so i was thinking a lot about chastity today. even chastity within marriage... you'd think all rules were out the window one you tied the knot... but not so. hmm. then i just realized that today is the feast day of St. Joseph. so i got to googling and found this prayer:

Father and protector of chastity, glorious Saint Joseph, in whose faithful custody was entrusted the very Innocence, Jesus Christ and the Virgin of virgins, Mary; for this twofold and most loved token, Jesus and Mary, I pray and plead you to help me always to purely serve Jesus and Mary with an uncontaminated soul, pure heart and a chaste body.Amen.

no one here but us mermaids

2007-03-12T15:29:00.000-04:00

luci and i were sitting in the car, sun streaming in, eating KFC. she was perched on the back of the passenger seat (folded down). it was the perfect day...56 degrees. lij was behind us eating mashed potatoes and smashed up chicken. "mommy... i'm pretending to be ariel on a rock," she smiled, reaching for a napkin. lij just giggled.

she's been cracking me up lately. we were in the store and 'angel of the morning' came on. she announced loudly, "mommy! that's our song! remember when we sang it at lola and lolo's house?" then we were at another store and she was singing 'hot child in the city' extremely audibly. a clerk, who looked like a former pat benetar fan, nodded her approval.

we all went to the circus yesterday. i think lij was scared 40% of the time. luci wanted to ride on the elephants, but it was $10 per person for like 6 seconds. so we had to say no. but overall we had an awesome time. i finally figured out how some of the 'magic' tricks were done.

but there's been something in the back of my head forever. and i know God is going to handle it in His time. so it's on my heart to do nfp-only OB... which is so against the 'culture of death' right now. the problem is this... who's going to hire me? no 'normal' OB job would take me purely because it would be such a pain for the partners to have to cover me - e.g. write my scripts, perform my tubals... not to mention that it would be public outrage for a hospital to give me privileges and a salary, only for me not to perform the gamut of things a community would 'need'. that leaves the nfp-only practices. here's a secret: they pay beans. all of these guys who've seen the light and started nfp-only practices have had the luxury to pay off their med school debts. then there's me. stuck in the middle. i can't work for a secular practice, because God's put it on my heart that it's wrong. but i'm bringing almost 200k of debt to the table only to earn 25-30% of what normal OBs make. in fact, i don't know of any practicing physician, other specialties included, that's going to make as little as me. this is very very difficult... because i feel like maybe i shouldn't have gone to school to incur this kind of debt at all.

then i think of my quality time with the family. i can't make that little, only to have to work another part-time job to make up the difference. then i might as well be a 90+ hour per week resident for the rest of my life.

sigh*. that's where i'm at. that's why i've been so quiet.

come again?

2007-02-12T22:43:00.000-05:00

the four of us were invited to dinner at a friend from church's house. they're a big six-kid italian family. we were all seated at the dinner table. candles and china were out and everything. i could tell luci was doing her best to behave. halfway into the meal the mom said, "oh, you know, i forgot. i made steak. i have a steak in the kitchen." luci quickly stood on top of her chair and shrieked, "snake?!"

the power of a child's prayer

2007-01-25T09:05:00.000-05:00

www.laeom.com

gary and i brought the family to monday nite mass, since we all missed the sunday because i got called in to work. i was trying to remember what was significant about that particular mass. well... luci beefed really loudly and people turned and looked at gary. of course, if someone farts, it's gotta be the guy, right? not the little girl with a purple dress and purple ribbon in her hair. maybe its payback for all the times we've gotten off scott free blaming someone else for "dealing it."

no. after mass i remember luci kind of staring at the statue of Mary and Baby Jesus. i said, 'do you want to go talk to Her?' she nodded, so we walked over. luci got down on her knees and folded her hands, not saying anything. 'do you want to pray about something?' she nodded, but looked blankly at me. so i guided and she repeated, 'dear Mommy Mary and Baby Jesus, please help mommy find a good job, where she can do Your work, and still have time for luci. oh, and please help luci and lijah be good kids. amen."

turns out there are amazing things in the works, that i can't even articulate. i just know She's been there for me since the beginning. back when Her image (specifically, the Lady of Guadalupe) was on a candle i had on my desk when i studied. back at the Spirit in the Life seminar when someone saw Her wrapping me in Her mantle, asking me to save children for heaven. or the week before boards when i was worried about doing well, finding a novena booklet on a random table at a restaurant that was long abandoned. i still have that book in my purse. or when i was running late to my residency interview, and i didn't know where the doctor's office was... following her image (a tire cover on a hispanic mom's van) right to the place. or how about getting the residency spot on Her feast day, Dec. 12.

now i'm looking at a place that specifically hangs Her image in their waiting room. imagine a life where i won't have to beg my partners to not do tubals/contraception. imagine a circle of partners who would be supportive, not the kind that swear all the time and get cranky because they can't see the big picture. or laugh at me for feeling sentimental during a hysterectomy. bye bye uterus... thank you for housing all those children.

then the devil creeps in. what if they don't want me? what if i'm not a good enough doctor? why shouldn't i just bite the bullet and make life easier... get a normal job and still sort of compromise on issues i feel strongly about?

but i feel a strange surge of faith and a goosebumpy feeling. like i'm supposed to go all out - all or nothing. how could She not take me? She knows me too well!

thank you luci, for your heartfelt prayer. thank you too, Mommy.

uh oh

2007-01-08T13:31:00.000-05:00

so we ended our 9-day vacation at church sunday evening. they had the lifeteen praise band there. it was pretty good. then at the end the guitarist played this gratuitous hendrix-esque intro lick for 'the first noel'. left a weird taste in my mouth. seriously, at first i thought the guy was going to play the national anthem. then four measures before the start of the song he got into a cici deville-esque thirds fast finger action type thing. i told gary that i thought it took away from the praise & worship aspect, and made it more of a performing diva atmosphere. especially when the band applauded themselves after mass and continued to tell jokes on the mics long after people were leaving. but the burning question is this... how can the parish be okay with that, but not okay with the fact that lij (a.k.a. nacho) kept giggling towards the end of mass?

what a good break. i realized i haven't had a vacation since i started working after maternity leave, jan 30 2006. i guess we've just had really crammed weekends, and that's okay. i've had lots of luci (a.k.a esqueleto) time, and it's been wonderful. she had a hard time waking up to find me gone, so i hear. we're also starting our 5th day with panties (no diaper!). only 3 accidents in the house, one was genuine (in the bathroom).

lij's big breakthrough is saying "uh oh," which really sounds more gutteral. "uuughh nhhh!"

the mundane and the ridiculous

2006-12-27T07:28:00.000-05:00

luci always holds out 4 fingers and says, 'mommy, can i grow up to be this?' i say, 'not yet... don't grow up too fast.' so she tells people she wants to grow up so she can eat Jesus bread (communion), but mommy says not too fast. we spent a lovely afternoon yesterday drawing pictures. she puts so much emotion into them. there was one that looked like two stick figures flying. she told me it was 'mommy saving luci from the deep water in the swimming pool'. another one showed mommy and luci crying because luci was going to school. hmm. i guess i won't scan that one for the preschool teacher's desk.

lijah has been a riot lately. his favorite toy for now is his toddler spiderman, who sings the spiderman theme, and also itsy bitsy spider. he also has this new habit of trying to make his way across baby jail (our furniture arranged in a square) with his eyes closed. then he inevitably falls. then he plays dead. but sometimes he's not lying perfectly still because he may be playing twinkle twinkle little star with one hand. the first time he did that luci jumped off the couch and started swatting him on the butt. she was screaming, 'what's wrong with him?!' poor kid. then lij sat up quickly with his hair disheveled like an ostrich, smiling the tow mater smile. gracious. i did a music test on him. he was in the front seat of the car (parked, of course), playing with the steering wheel. i kept flipping radio stations. classical... he cocked his ear to one side. shoot... he didn't seem into Christian music. then, of course, the booty station. he stands up and starts rocking his head and butt to the beat, tow mater grin. i caught the black couple in the car next to us pointing. kid has more groove than me. the best image of him in my mind is him sitting in front of g's keyboard on the floor, legs out, belly hanging over the legs, making a great effort to play the keys, analyzing every sound. my parents said their best memory of me is being 7 years old, playing the piano with my big belly jiggling to the movement. maybe it's genetic.

i love it when they can play together. lij was cracking up as luci was wagging her butt and singing, 'how much is that doggy in the window? da one with the waggly tail...' or today they were taking baths at the same time (in separate tubs). lijah always likes to stand up out of his tub and rattle the side of luci's tub, which either aggravates her or makes her laugh. today she giggled and yanked on his birdie. i describe it to gary the same way... 'how was your day? oh, mine? kids took a bath. lijah stood up in his tub again, nads flapping in the wind.'

pray for g. i'm on nights again. he's boobless. and sleepless.

a dream luci loves

2006-12-13T15:00:00.000-05:00

i had a random dream. before i was coherent i told luci about it. she sat there sucking her fingers. eyes really big.

my mom was driving our big red car along the shoreline. it was most likely midday. the weather was perfect. the water appeared warm, shimmering in the sun. there were really large elephants bathing themselves in the water. the wind was fragrant.

(ephelaunts?! - luci interjected)

"yes! look at the elephants!" i exclaimed. soon i was wading in the water with the kids. and big isaiah was there too. "don't get too close," i warned. just then a huge manatee started swimming towards lijah. he's going to get bitten, i thought, and started running as fast as one can run in waist-deep water with feet buried in sand. i snatched him up just in time, out of harm's way. i grabbed luci and big isaiah too, then trudged to the shoreline with all three kids in my arms, dodging manatee after manatee. somehow we made it. we climbed back into the car and my mom drove us away. gary was crouched in the trunk. "where were you, dude?" i asked. he just looked at me. then i woke up.

things i hear before i go to bed

2006-12-13T14:48:00.000-05:00

"da da da da da da da da da. ga-ung ga-ung ga-ung ga-ung ga-ung. heh heh heh. ma ma ma ma ma ma..."

"i'm not a mermaid! i'm a manatee. why are you waughing? (laughing)"

"am i setting the clock for 5:45 again?!"

"hey! can we go to playhouse disney so i can play handy manny? wait! can you show me my guardian angel? do you have one? are you my angel? does daddy have a angel?"

a toasty friday evening at home

2006-12-08T17:29:00.000-05:00

playing music for luci and lij. just to see if they like it. trying to see what they'll do - dance? sway? i'm dating myself by some of the stuff on the playlist:

1. nightswimming - r.e.m.
2. the reason - hoobastank
3. collide - howie day
4. if you love me for me - barbie, princess and the pauper
5. reflection - lea salonga, mulan
6. i am a girl like you - barbie, princess and the pauper

okay luci took over...

did you know

2006-12-02T00:14:00.000-05:00

can you guess how big a zygote is? a human zygote?

the only reason i know is because i just spent a month at an infertility clinic. i was able to see the in vitro fertilization process. lots of comments on this later. you know i'm opinionated on this end of things.

the answer... not sure but definitely a fraction of the size of a grain of sand, but totally visible by the naked eye. like a speck of dust in a petri dish. one really big cell. eventually one heartbeat (unless it splits into twins). one beloved soul with the capacity to become a Saint someday. i guess you could technically say, "i knew you before you were placed in your mother's womb." isn't that weird?

the problem with in vitro isn't, per se, the life that you create, albeit, without the conjugal act, etc (at least for the average non-Catholic joe, that is).... it's the amount of embryos/babies/lives/souls lost in the process. for example, you stimulate a woman to ovulate 10 or 15 eggs, the more the merrier. then you fertilize them with a load of sperm. say only 9 fertilize... still, that's 9 lives. ok. then you implant 2 in mom because you should really try not to have too many babies at once since that can cause serious complications. that leaves 7. now what? okay, you freeze them. i can't stand the idea of frozen children already created, arrested in their developmental state, waiting to be born, loved, cuddled, fed... so say mom comes back afterward and wants another set of twins, so she turns to her 7 frozen embryos. 30-50% of them won't make the thaw cycle. i guess if a group of us got put in a meat locker for an indefinite amount of time, 30-50% of us wouldn't survive either. say that leaves only 3 behind. but twins are too much work, so she opts to only implant one. but she's too attached to the 2 frozen embryos to adopt them out. by the way, the staff affectionately calls them "kid pops".

when you walk into the office, it's magnificently decorated. you'd have to have a decent amount of money to even go there. so the baby boards aren't the typical corkboards with pin-up pictures of newborns. they are actually artistically framed displays of precious children taken by top of the line photographers. yet i look at these kids and wonder, for those who had in vitro, would they have consented to so many of their siblings dying or being frozen that they could be born to wear baby Gap?

things that make me smile

2006-12-02T00:02:00.000-05:00

luci being good and thoughtful, giving from the heart. like offering her piggy bank to me willingly. "i don't want to grow up, mommy," she says often, with regard to having to go to school or leaving us behind. but she does want to grow up so she can take Communion, or, the 'Jesus bread'.

elijah playing the keyboard, intensity in his eyes. he rocks back and forth as he changes drumbeats and experiments with new instrument sounds. he touches each key the way e.t. reached out with his finger. luci was different with that keyboard; she would just find the demo button so she could dance to the pre-programmed song.

60 degree november days.
getting to say a rosary on the way to work.
luci and cousin henry getting to see a piece of the original cross.
jaden getting baptized.
having our tree up before thanksgiving.
random lunch breaks with gary.

speaking of gary, at thanksgiving dinner he put luci in her chair and encouraged her to eat. 'you've gotta try the big bird, luci.' she suddenly looked with horror at the turkey, realizing that yes, indeed, it was a bird. she clapped her hands over her eyes, then peeked between her fingers and said gravely, "i don't eat birds, daddy."

in the garden

2006-11-19T22:18:00.000-05:00

i had a dream about Jesus the other night that i almost forgot about. it has been awhile since i dreamed about Him. the last time was almost four years ago... in that dream i had asked to see His face... and He stood next to me, shadowed, with a huge crown of thorns weighing His head down and bloodstained robe.

this other dream was different. we were just hanging out like friends. we were standing in front of a non-descript house, planning my escape. not sure why i had to escape from anywhere. i asked Him, 'motorcycle or car?' He said, 'come with me to the garden.'

this is the part of the story where gary interjected while i was telling him, 'which garden?!'

not the garden of gethsemane or anything. truly. we just walked around to the back of this suburban-type house and sat on the patio. i reached out and grabbed His arm. it felt cool and medium-sized, not overly-buff or scrawny. He was wearing a t-shirt and blue jeans, but barefoot. no angels or earthly tremors. He mentioned something about me getting into an old volkswagen hatch-back. then that was it.

on a hill

2006-11-18T08:24:00.000-05:00

so we were at the agustin's backyard park trying to take the above picture. it was hard to get all four kids to cooperate. elijah and ethan were the first to calm down since they were sleepy. then isaiah succumbed to twinkle twinkle little star. last was luci. 'hey luci, look at my nose!'... 'um, see that bird?'... 'let's just look at the sky!'... all of this didn't work. then...

'hey luci, let's look up and see if we can see big daddy God!'

she was suddenly silent and attentive. i think i totally underestimated the gravity of that statement. she folded her hands in prayer and looked straight up. 'how come i can't see Him, mama? and where's Mama Mary?'

then i got excited. what if we could see God? would i look? i peeked with one eye. nothing but clouds and butterflies in my stomach. and an enromous feeling of love. i reminded luci how one of the Fatima kids had to keep saying the rosary before he could see Mama Mary.

'i do see Mama Mary!'

'you do?!!?' i remembered the time when she was around 14 months old and she could see angels. she would point to people's angels for them. and wave.

'just kidding.' she continued to fold her hands in prayer.

10 months and 30 days old

2006-11-05T14:11:00.000-05:00

elijah took his first step. he's been trying to stand up straight without hanging on to anything. then he'll fall on his butt. on friday 11.3.06 between 5-6pm, he stood up. i opened my arms and said, "come to mommy." he took one tentative step with his right foot, then tumbled onto my lap. that counts, right?

the other day luci took lij's bath again. i was in the nursery undressing lij, when luci jumped into his tub. i ran into the bathroom to make sure she had actually taken her clothes off before getting in. lij came storming out of the nursery, crawling rapidly right up to the tub, ordering her out of his domain in his baby way. "huh? huh?" he vocalized.

i can't believe it's almost Christmas!

the perfect fall day

2006-10-31T08:59:00.000-05:00

i called in sick for real yesterday. just got back from deleware for baby isaiah's first birthday. i love indian food. kids were good on the plane. i was so out of it, though. we took a really small puddle jumper back from detroit to lansing. luci and i had the front 2 seats. hey! upgraded to first class! then i realized all the seats were 2-seaters. gary was giving me the even smiling stare, which meant he knew what i was thinking before i said anything. i love that even after the kids and crazy schedules we can still think each other's thoughts. like when we were trying to cross airport pedestrian traffic with the kids and bags and no one was stopping. we were both playing frogger in our minds.

luci was telling her lola and lola, "my daddy is going to be an angel for halloween. he is going to carry a sword and a shield, like the 'good knight' (from little einsteins). he is going to be St. Michael." it's funny how much she picks up from what we off-handedly mention. since it was 71 blessed degrees we took pictures in the yard with lijah in his pumpkin outfit, looking stoic. and luci, in her angel costume, running circles around the maple tree until she tripped and fell. can't wait to upload them...

also had 7 blessed hours of non-stop sleep, after lijah the cujo baby stopped chasing after my flesh to bite anything within reach. gary was keeping him on a slack tether. funny he'll bite anything but my boob.

things i want to do this weekend

2006-10-13T10:53:00.000-04:00

build a snowman, weather pending
mom's birthday gift - hyacinth and crocus bulbs for planting this spring-->
(hopefully gary will dig the hole)
watch e.t. with the family -->
(garnered luci's interest by saying he was lonely and wanted to call home)
go to the pumpkin patch
go to church
get my warm sweaters out of the basement
do more work on luci's kiddie kollege homework
buy 'opera cat' on amazon.com because it looks funny
brainstorm Christmas gifts
wear pajamas 90% of the time

this summer luci and i were in my mom's bed watching t.v. there was nothing else on except 'cast away'. "why is he so sad, mommy?" she asked. "because he had to swim all the way to an island and now he has to find his family and his wife."

just yesterday we were flipping channels and it was on again. she says, "oh, hey, there's that scary movie again. the one with the guy who needs to find his family and his wife. and his ball."

taken on lane 24

2006-10-11T12:06:00.000-04:00

tenderfoot bear. they look like vw bugs from the side.

the aqua ruffled bikini. look how clear that water is.

toblerone

2006-10-11T08:44:00.001-04:00

i really used to be obsessed about my tummy. spent hours away from g trying to work out at the beginning of our relationship. then i learned he actually liked the pinchable bits of flab. yeah, at a whopping 108 lbs i had a lot to worry about, right? but being a mom is so different; kind of puts everything into perspective. i don't even really think of my body as my own anymore. examples?

i think lijah is a boob man. or maybe it's just baby behavior since i've never nursed this long. give him a boob and he'll take it, even if not really hungry. standing up, lying down, watching tv, doesn't matter. if we're both in the tub he'll try to nurse in there. he stands up and does it like he's playing a trumpet. the best part is he's had this chuckle since he was a newborn. he chuckles when he sees my boobs. hey, maybe luci is a boob girl. she likes to grab me too, if i happen to be changing in front of her.

i decided to take a long-awaited shower monday morning, post-call. i filled up the small red baby tub so i could give lijah a bath at the same time. i was undressing him and i heard a *splash*. ran into the bathroom to find luci in his tub, her clothes all over the bathroom floor. surprised to find she didn't mind sharing her bathwater with him. i plopped him in and she dutifully began washing his hair and scrubbing under his chin with a washcloth. she did a pretty good job! that was the best day... a 1.2 hour bath/shower with the kids.

embarassed myself

2006-10-06T13:24:00.000-04:00

i was in the lunch line going to get my usual friday baked cod. at the end of the buffet was glazed chicken. the lunch girl mumbled, "that's *lpino chicken."

"FILIPINO CHICKEN?! NO WAY!?!?!" i exclaimed/proclaimed loudly.

"no...jalapeno chicken."

days of elijah

2006-10-05T10:08:00.000-04:00

he is now 10 months. still looks like tow mater with his seven teeth. (what happened to the other bottom one?) we've got him blocked in the living room, with the furniture arranged around the carpeted area. he's figured out how to push things aside and break free. he wants to go up the stairs by himself. angels have already saved him several times. once i fell asleep nursing him, and gary and luci had gone downstairs for warm milk. he slipped out from under my arm and started crawling around the bed. i suddenly heard a very loud, yet quiet, shout in my ear. can't explain it, but i sat straight up and saw him just about to leap off the edge. gary returned to see me grabbing one of his legs.

i wonder what goes through the mind when you walk in on your spouse looking like something bad almost happened. once luci was teething, so i took a smallish ice cube to rub on her gums. she suddenly sucked the cube right into her mouth out of my hand, so i immediately inverted her body and smacked her back. she launched the ice across the bed just as gary walked in. hi g. how's life?

speaking of luci... she bops. she chooses her own outfits. her newest big deal are leg warmers i got from h&m while in chicago for a conference. she wore them last with an indian-type brown tunic, no pants, purple boots, and pink headband. she can get away with it though. we had the best time with the guevara cousins. luci loved their huge tub of dress-up outfits. she's my angel. she said to gary, "i love going to church." awww.

on an interesting note... all four of us were part of an pro-life silent protest. it was the weirdest thing; definitely out of my comfort zone. most people were apathetic. i felt more motorists gave thumbs up rather than down. there were the expected obscenities. how can people be so blind? most people that gave thumbs down were blasting booty music. i actually thought that was funny. gary held a sign saying "abortion kills children". he also had elijah in the front-strap baby carrier. my maternal blood boiled when people gave him dirty looks.

i bet you all $10 that if i had a picture of a white harp seal mom and pup, and another picture of them clubbed, and carried a sign outside of a coffee shop or bookstore saying that the fashion industry kills helpless animals, there would have been more sympathy/care/concern/love. i don't understand.

sinai-grace days

2006-09-13T14:27:00.000-04:00

i've been wanting to linger in bed a little longer each morning. it's so lovely to be sandwiched between luci and lij. luci will spoon right into my back. lij will start playing with my hair, saying, "huh?! huh?!" in his cute little baby voice. i remember luci's big word at that age was "tartar."

i think i've also been treating lij like a puppy. he crawls over to me and i ruffle his hair, rub his back, then pat his butt to send him on his way. i pluck him out of trouble when he starts looking for shoes to bite, papers to rip, or the outgrown swing to crawl under. i clap and say, "good boy!" when he does a trick.

one time i had lij on my lap and luci came over to me holding her piggy bank. she said, "here mommy, i want to buy him! take my money!" speaking of money, luci wanted to buy a frivolous $14 toy the last time we went shopping. i told her 'mommy's piggy bank doesn't have enough money in it right now.' she said, "poor mommy's little blue horsie is too small." i had no clue she saw my old childhood piggy bank and made the correlation.

i miss home. there's gobs of work on my desk which i'm totally too unmotivated to do. hence i blog. with my door shut of course, furtively minimizing my screen behind patient labwork if i hear footsteps a little too close. i pulled an all-nighter working on a presentation for the department. i kept trying not to fall asleep on the road by blasting the AC, prying my eyelids open, singing whatever song came out of the radio. i was belting out, "you make me feel like a natural woman." which is a song i'd never sing, even as a joke. i began singing, "i hate this drive. i hate this drive..." to the same melody.

only 5 more days at this forsaken rotation.

rutherford & lewis

2006-09-08T12:19:00.000-04:00

if gary and i could ever be rich inventing family-friendly homes/decor/toys, that would be our label, i think. we call lijah rutherford, partly because gary always sings "ruka tuk tuk" to him, and also because to me he looks like a stern, stuffy teddy bear when he's dressed up. and of course there's lucia/luci/louie/lewis. i've said this before - they're growing so fast.

we got the keyboard out for lijah, who seems to be really interested in music. there i was, in awe of him hitting the drum pads, mixing the beats up from salsa to dixie, future brian mcknight-esque imagery occupying my brain. he suddenly stopped to try to bite the adaptor cord instead.

then there's luci whom i overheard saying, "my name is lucia marie guevara and i'm three years old and i have to go poop in my potty." she had her first day of ballet class yesterday. we coached her to be good and mind her teacher. she was so pretty, wearing a lavender leotard with ruffles, matching hair ribbons, pink tights and shoes. i kept expecting her to bust out of the classroom, howling, clinging to our legs. instead she was the first one in and the last one out.

i also played hookey on gary's birthday this past wednesday. i had to get super creative to call in sick, since people at work knew it was his birthday. so i used the favorite all-time scapegoat: diarrhea. i made up a story about going out to celebrate at a mexican dive, then getting food poisoning. the day after i purposefully wore black and aimed to look a tiny bit disheveled. they said, "oh honey, you should have stayed home today too!" it was so wonderful, getting coffee and bagels for breakfast, going shopping and bowling, baskin robbins... it was like... post-college.

how about a brain break?

2006-08-30T09:50:00.000-04:00

the other night we were sitting on the couch. it was all so innocent. gary said, "hey mad, tell me which fart noise sounds the most real..."

ppft! 'uh, no."
ppffft! 'ok, maybe that would be a diarrhea one.'
pprrpptf! 'no, too contrived...."

we do all sorts of crazy things for the sake of the kids. but that time it was really just to make each other laugh. lijah is really easy. you could park your face right in front of his and raise your eyebrows. then he'd give you his classic 'tow-mater' face. luci is a tougher audience.

why is farting and pooping so funny? it's so taboo when you first date. i remember making excuses so i wouldn't poop in gary's apartment. 'i've got to go to the fish bowl and do a paper.' and i'd actually go onto campus to poop there. or maybe if i knew it would be a fast and hopefully not too stinky poop, i would try to turn on the faucet and do it during the timespan of an elongated pee, then try to cover it up with shampoo and hot water in the drain.

now our bathroom door stays open. well, actually, he shuts it but i keep it open. he swears it's unfair because i smell more. then when family is in town he says it's genetic. i agree. the mayol-neri clan has a certain... sharp edge to the bowels. curls your nostril hairs. however, i'd take sharp any day over musky, which follows you around the house saturating every fiber of your garments.

i know all of you are good friends because i can remember many warm shared poop memories. like the first time i met rex, or reno's steaming one on the driveway, or the one gibby made that looked like a coiled snake. "how did you do that?!" "i don't know, it just came out like dairy queen soft serve."

see you on the potty.

rowrrr

2006-08-23T11:40:00.000-04:00

lijah has this WWF thing going on. you say, "STRONG!" and he brings his arms down, clenches his fists and grunts. it's too funny. he also has a repetitive facial expression which gary describes as "aghast." but he has said his first word already, during 9:30 mass on 8.5.06. we were saying the Our Father and i whispered in his ear, "who are we praying to?"

"dah-dee."

i was kind of taken aback. lijah isn't really a talker. i told gary. later in the mass he whispered to him, "whose house is this?"

"dah-DEE."

my favorite snapshot from this summer is of his feet in the sand. we call him 'tenderfoot bear'. luci's big milestone this month is deciding to use the potty. we had a great time the other night building castles with dominos. she was talking on the phone yesterday to justin (gibby's 2.5 year old boy). 'hi justin! are you drinking your milk? i got my ears pierced!'

they're growing up too fast!

24

2006-08-22T10:15:00.000-04:00

in one 24 hour shift...
we did a stat suction currettage on a 17 year old girl who was "bleeding from a very heavy period." she was getting transfused 4 units of blood intraoperatively. we got in there and found a botched probable 23 week gestation status post dilation and evacuation procedure (where you do an abortion, but the baby is so big that you have to dilate the cervix and use 'skull crushers'). she was bleeding like crazy, because there were still... parts... in there. i was sick and dizzy. when you do a suction d&c after someone miscarries, it's usually within the first trimester and baby parts aren't identifiable. this time there was cartilage. i confronted the girl after the surgery, all alone. i asked her if she had an abortion. no i did not.

in the same shift...
a young girl came in by ambulance. she was 23 weeks, 4 days gestation. 24 weeks is the grey-zone cutoff for viability. her water broke at home. she wanted to push. baby was still alive, cervix was dilated to 5cm with a shoulder poking out. we counseled her that her baby had a 10% chance of survival, but a 100% chance of some neurologic delay. the only way to deliver the baby safely enough was via c-section, because due to it's position the head could get entrapped in her cervix. she agreed. we prepped her for surgery stat, and as we got the baby out 6 members of the NICU team began resuscitation. it was a girl. i looked around the o.r. there were probably at least 20 people in there, all that she might live... which she did, after 45 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation, then died quietly in her mother's arms.

God Bless the brokie road

2006-08-15T14:40:00.000-04:00

that silly country song. gary had to learn it for a former student's wedding. now luci knows the whole thing by heart. it also happens to be the only song that calms lijah down in the car. we've tried tlc and other pop fuzz stuff... nope. i almost don't want to talk about it, because i'm scared it'll lose its magic. the minute he whimpers it's automatic. the unlabelled cd goes in to track 19. we joke that lij will be a country star someday, dressed in black jeans and a hat, chubby, with buck teeth. all affectionately, of course. lij is the spitting image of me. even his temperament. which means he may grow up to look like a male rudy huxtible at 8 yrs old. gosh i hope not. gary says i have big teeth. but he does too. so we both bit a piece of paper and did front tooth dimensions. his were bigger, aha! however, i had the bigger tooth to face width ratio.

we found the perfect beach up north. we'd actually been there when we were just dating. it's just that now we look at it through the eyes of a child. it's off of lane 26, somewhere between cheboygan and rogers city. the water was the cleanest i've seen so far. it was brisk but refreshing. the best part... 4 sandbars, so you could wander out 50 yards and still only be thigh-deep. which means you could 1) cool off without having to make the commitment of going deeper than the waist, aka, one of the forget this i'm going back to shore! anatomical places 2) go pee but pretend to be just wading around 3) catch minnows in your hand 4) crawl around on hands and knees. one of the most unforgettable moments was watching luci bravely walking towards me in her aqua ruffled bikini. she looked gorgeous with the sun in her hair and her big ol' grin.

i love summer.

the almost-august recap

2006-07-27T22:32:00.000-04:00

delicious
warm blueberry pie from scratch with vanilla ice cream
luci calls it 'wemberry pie' from the max lucado book
she still pronounces remember like 'bemmer'
"bemmer, mommy, when we ran after those fireflies?"

lijah boy's infectious laugh
totally provoked by a simple 'ho ho ho'
to think it all started as a mere doughboy-esque 'mhmm'
giggling almost since the day he was born

pitching a ladybug tent on the beach so lijah could sleep while we swam
portable fans aimed at his sweaty head
does that make me neurotic?
no, that was cash gary reassures

garage sales aplenty
an entire polly pocket village for 3 bucks
some new camouflage overalls for lijah (a.k.a. eBoy)
but the ultimate coup
...utmost respect from the queen of thrift
homage paid to the newest daddy...
a $6 buy into a $54 profit
my heart rejoices
just for a couple of jerseys

the very hungry caterpillar
we found at the church picnic
came home in a sippy cup
then went to sleep forever sometime that week
oh well

luci's new princess panties
i promise to tell you when i have to pee
we asked her like every 7 minutes if she had to go
no
then
i peed on the floor!

happy birthday uncle doods
belated happy birthday blood curdling utcher (butch)
i wish both of you guys were still alive
aileen and lani need you
i'm sure auntie alting does too
you guys would've loved to play with eBoy and luci
... but maybe you are up there

good night

first words

2006-07-08T23:45:00.000-04:00

i was on the phone with gary, and lij said, 'hi dada.'
gary responded, 'hi luci...'
i said, 'no! that was lij!'

i think lij is just imitating yet. i'm not sure if he's actually said a bona fide first word. though i bet if he did it would be 'luci'. he does things though. we'll say, 'hey, look at the clock!' and he'll look over at the wall with the clock. it's really going to get interesting...

we had the best 4th of july. gary bought a kiddie pool, and we decked out our backyard with a sandbox, grill, and table/chairs complete with sun umbrella. all for probably less than $100. to think we used to spend $140/month for a membership at the athletic club with a pool. but it was such a pain to pack up all the baby stuff for a 15 minute dip, then to have to find a family changing room and bring all our wet stuff home, not to mention if luci decided to poop there. yikes.

we ended the 4th with class c (those are the cheap ones, right?) fireworks that gary lit on our driveway. there were a few that shot up to maybe 12 feet high. luci said, 'wow... it's like disney... but it's not like disney...'

luci goosie

2006-06-30T03:07:00.000-04:00

praise God! i've had a gentle week of nights, and was able to get sleep. so we went to ann arbor this morning. i took the kids to gallup park while g met with his professor. luci and i played in the sun while lij slept in the stroller. then we decided to feed the ducks some chips ahoy in our bag. they ate the cookies all up... (who wouldn't?) then we went on our merry way taking a walk by the river. on the way back luci was innocently eating peanut butter cap 'n' crunch from a ziplock bag. i heard the pitter patter of feet. i turned to see her practically engulfed by a swarm of geese going for her cereal. they were easily as tall as her, hissing and going for her hands, neck, butt... i got all ninja on them. i yelled and flailed, then snatched luci up and took off running uphill with her in one arm, steering the stroller with lij asleep in the other.

what would that be like? to be encircled and pecked at by 6 foot tall ostriches? hissing and snapping? pooping and shoving?

of course i looked ridiculous to all the affluent stay-at-home-moms and toddlers who have figured out that feeding the birds will only make them go crazy.

my little teapot

2006-06-27T22:57:00.000-04:00

we were in church a week ago. luci wasn't singing. luci, sing! we encouraged her. she frowned. after mass she said, "i can't sing anything but 'i'm a little teapot', mommy"... i asked her if she'd sing even that for Jesus. so she turned to the altar and sang to the cross, i'm a little teapot short and stout! (this was after mass, of course)

fast-forward to today. i told her to pick up her sippy cup that she threw on the ground. i put my hands on my hips in an angry posture and said, "do you want a time out?" she replied, "no time out..." she stopped mid-sentence with a quizzical look, "you've got handles now mommy?"

lijah, on the other hand, is so much less fiesty. he doesn't even cry when he's hungry. he just looks sadder and sadder. and if you give him food he'll snap it right up. well... there was one time when we were in the car and he just wanted to be held. gary and i were calling him 'hamburglar' because he was vocalizing and it sounded like "robble robble robble." so we parked in front of an old navy and cuddled him for awhile.

it's taken care of

2006-06-23T07:48:00.000-04:00

anyone who's had to deal with daycare probably knows my pain. gary and i stopped by this center really close to the church (his new job!). it's supposed to be a learning center. the brochures are lovely and airbrushed. i got in there and luci's age group was just kind of roaming around. there were a couple of rowdy boys who looked like they could knock her over. the toys looked germy. then the infant room really killed me. baby-watchers. it's as if the workers looked at the clock and it said 10am, so they dutifully picked up the babies and rocked them. it's time to hold the babies such that this could more closely resemble the nurturing environment of home. then at exactly 10:07 we'll set them down again. all this for 20 hours per week for a grand total of $300/wk. i was kind of annoyed at gary, who was chatting it up with the director of the center, giggling, etc. later he told me he did it to offset the daggers in my eyes and the kung fu grip i had on both of the kids. i was ready to quit my job right then and live off the land.

oh well. in the back of my mind i trusted God to throw us a bone...

then my mom calls me with someone she and my dad met on the island (mackinac island). she's filipina, and she was hoping to find a family to be a nanny for, that would treat her like one of their own. ding!

her name is jennifer, we call her ate jen. she said she told God that only He knows His master plan, but if it was in His plan for her to be with a family to nanny...

she is the answer to our prayers... even if we didn't realize we were praying for this. i believe it's the Holy Spirit... i remember the verse about the Spirit going to God with our prayers in inexpressible groanings. i'll find the passage and post it later. it makes me... sheepish... because i feel i haven't been praying that much. it's been a long time since i've felt deeply in love with Him. i know to try to love God is to love Him. but i feel that's not good enough. it would be like me telling gary that trying to love him means i love him.

how do i get back to Steubenville 2000?

wisdom from a two year old

2006-06-19T14:54:00.000-04:00

who bites mommy's butt, daddy?
bad people.
i don't want anyone biting her butt. i LOVE her.

that was my bad. i was getting a little heated talking about how hard life is and how unfair some people are, and i ended up saying really loud, "they can just bite my butt!" luci didn't ask gary about it until they were in the car alone together. poor luci.

'lijah's first tooth is out. it's the front bottom left. ouch. six months old and he won't take solids. never heard of that before. i tickle him so he opens his mouth to laugh, then i swoop a spoonful of rice cereal or banana in. he frowns. i tickle him again and he laughs with pursed lips.

then there's luci... luci the petulant. luci the super-strong-willed. just when she was about to become overbearing she strolled up to me with her hands folded, blanket draped over her forehead, princess crown over the blanket. she said in her best impression of Mommy Mary, extending her arms, "don't worry. i am here. i love you and i want to save you." it made me jump up and hug her. she's really a good kid. i think she knows too much for her own good. it's a constant battle to give her things to do. you know the saying... an idle mind can be destructive. we were in the car once and i said, "luci, can i tell you something? i hope you have friends that love Jesus and Mommy Mary, because when i was a little girl, people laughed at that kind of thing. i want you to be able to love them without feeling funny. a lot of times i grew up sad." i stopped, thinking i had said too much, wondering if it even registered. she was quiet for a bit, then she replied, "don't worry mommy. big daddy God is here. He will make you happy, and He will make you silly too."

(Thanks Eric, Anna, Isaiah, & Ethan for the tickets to Wicked, free babysitting, and cupcakes! I love you guys!)

ch'rella blue dress 'e' blue shoos

2006-05-23T08:23:00.000-04:00

friday 5.19
we're checking in. the security guard said to luci, "what's your name?" luci looked her straight in the eye, "my name is snow white." 'lijah nursed as the plane took off so his ears wouldn't hurt. when we were above the rain and the sun was streaming between the fluffy clouds, 'lij wouldn't turn away from the window. even though it was so bright. i looked at his face; he looked... homesick. "is this what heaven is like, 'lijah boy?" he just kept looking.

saturday 5.20
8:30am - we're in the car with mcdonald's to go. gary can't keep the car on the main road. he somehow keeps getting onto i-4, which means we have to find different exits to the magic kingdom.
9:15am - in line to see playhouse disney. 90 degrees. luci meets 'daddy incredible' and frozone. then we see bear, then jojo, then stanley, then pooh, then bear again, then luna! misty-eyed as they sang the goodbye song.
12:15pm - 100 degrees. beauty and the beast live on stage. luci holding tight to my head during the 'kill the beast part'. gary laughing and taking pictures. lijah asleep
1:45pm - back to hotel for naps and kfc.

5:30pm - arriving at magic kingdom. luci in the stroller this time, wearing her cinderella dress and crown. cinderellabration first round. luci hogs the water bottle with the spray.
6:30pm - cinderellabration second round. this time we're by the stage. got it all on tape. misty-eyed again as cinderella comes out of the castle and says hello. then all the disney princesses come out. i'm too into it to realize i'm sitting on bubble gum. mini-tantrum after i found both butt cheeks with brown spots. how am i supposed to dine at the castle in this? gary laughing again.
7:30pm - luci rides cinderella's carousel after a brief jaunt at phantasmic. those indoor air conditioned dark places are where i've been feeding lij. luci has a brief meltdown when she climbs into the dumbo seat. she doesn't want to get out.
8:00pm - luci meets eyore, plays in pooh's playhouse, sees minnie mouse's pink house. lijah overtly giggling and flirting with me.
8:30pm - checking in at the castle for dinner.
8:45pm- luci floats toward cinderella in the foyer. luci touches her face and dress. they're having a private moment. the photographer arranges us all around her. i feel like i've interrupted something intimate. luci is in heaven. there's definitely magic in the air.
9:00pm - dinner. fairy godmother and some mice come out. luci is enthralled. lijah is asleep.
10:00pm - fireworks seen from inside the castle.
11:00pm - we let the crowds pass us. gary and i linger by the ferries as both kids doze.
1:00am - back at the hotel. zzzzz.

sunday 5.21
mcdonald's again for breakfast. shopping for souvenirs at the outlet mall. on the plane by 4pm, except i almost miss boarding because i took too long deciding between gummy bears and gummy savers. the woman at the desk said, "ma'am, your plane is boarding." yikes. i get to the gate and gary is the only one there. bug-eyed. we all slept on the plane. in our car at lansing by 7pm. ordered a pizza for delivery on the way home. pizza on doorstep by 7:30pm.

may crowning

2006-05-04T08:40:00.000-04:00

gary says we crashed a private party. well, we wanted to go to may crowning, but it ended up being a mass/awards party for IHM, the church down the road. oh well. it was raining like crazy. i was pulling luci's purple dress on and she said, 'where are my flowers, mommy?' then i remembered i told her that you give flowers to Mommy Mary in the month of may. 'it's raining, luci, no flowers today.' she looked a little sad. later in the parking lot i saw a lilac bush, so i pulled her hood on and dashed between cars with her in my arms. we pulled some flowers down and brought them into the church with us.

the service was really cute. a boy got to crown Mary (i always thought it was girls that got to do it...) he was wearing a royal blue cape. after all the hoopla settled down and the church was nearly empty, i brought luci to Mary. she fell to her knees at Her feet and offered the lilacs. i was surprised, proud, and slightly sad all at the same time. i also felt a little conspicuous, so i crouched down too.

sigh. the sadness comes from knowing luci will grow to struggle with her devotion to Mary, with peer pressures and nerdy parental pressure... i remember when i was in eighth grade and i was appointed by the principal to play the role of Mary at a school thing. i was so embarrassed. i had to do this lyrical dance with my hands folded. you can only imagine. but for now luci's heart is pure and i will do my best to help her stay that way.

or maybe i'm not giving luci enough credit...

white or wheat

2006-05-02T08:13:00.001-04:00

bug eyed. gary said, 'luci, let me wipe your right hand.' she gave him her right hand. he looked at me. does she know right from left?!

'left ear!' (she points)
'right foot!' (she points again)
'RIGHT NIPPLE!!!' (she smiles big, as if to say try to stump me again, daddy)

for the record, i didn't know right from left until at least first grade. it may be genetic. my dad went to a subway and asked for a chicken breast sandwich. the fast-talking clerk said, "white or wheat, sir?" my dad gave the most quizzical lopsided look and replied, "left breast or right breast... it doesn't matter."

told to my face

2006-04-28T07:48:00.001-04:00

"Catholics are staunch and prudish and therefore have bad sex lives."
"Yeah! They're not open to experimentation!"

since when did acts that feel like you're hurting/degrading your spouse in conjunction with daydreaming about other men/women strengthen any marriage and make you more in love with your spouse so that you could have sex with each other for then next 40 years?

butterflies

2006-04-26T20:40:00.000-04:00

i was doing an ultrasound when my friend stacey ran into the room and said she needed the machine. she never does that. so i figured it was something big. i unplugged it and ran down the hall with her. my other friend andy was with the other patient who looked nervous; her name is jessica, and we bonded because she named her boy elijah too. long story short, jessica lost her baby girl in the night. ultrasound confirmed that the heart was not beating. not only that but the baby was breech, which meant there was a high chance she'd go to c-section. she opted to have a c-section immediately instead of laboring.

sigh. she was wailing, and her mom, who was with her, practically laid on top of her. i felt terrible. i picked up her elijah and sat him on my lap. we just sat there forever. he didn't mind.

before surgery i went back to her room and she was gone. i thought she might have left the hospital to cope. then she returned from the gift shop. "i had a dream that hannah liked butterflies." (she was going to name her hannah...) "her room is decorated with butterflies." she pulled out a newborn dress and matching booties bought at our gift shop. "i want her buried in this." it had butterflies all over it.

los kiddos

2006-04-25T13:46:00.000-04:00

it was 11pm and luci was wild and full of energy. ok, i thought, at least we could settle 'lijah down. i turned him on his side and started to nurse him. luci, for no reason, began shrieking with laughter. i looked down. the boy stopped nursing to giggle -over and over. i didn't think siblings could conspire at that age!

luci was fighting naptime earlier, and she took her purple dress off half-way and started wandering around the living room. the skirt was over her head so she couldn't see... and she ran into one of the really big toys. mommy and daddy were laughing too hard to help her out.

sparrow revisited

2006-04-23T10:15:00.000-04:00

hmmm. i looked in the nest today from the window and there are no eggs. there's no sign of anyone/animal tampering with them. there are no broken shells on the ground. there's no mommy or daddy birdie anywhere. i had to break the news to luci. she said, "why's that, mommy?" i was so prepared to be there for that bird family. i would've even dug up worms and left them on the porch for them. and you know how i hate worms.

then the medical student told me what the father of the stillborn child said. apparently he had been reading the koran (quiran/qu'ran) with his wife the evening before they came to the hospital. he read something like 'you will suffer a very great loss, but God will be by your side watching how you will handle it.' that was the night their baby died... because that afternoon they were seen in the clinic and there were still good heart tones/movement.

i remember, sadly, something i did this time of year when i was seven years old. i climbed a tree and saw a robin's nest. i handled the beautiful blue eggs. later i found the nest overturned and the eggs cracked on the ground. i guess robins will do that if they feel their nest/eggs have been tampered with. so i got eggs (grade A large) from the fridge, dyed them blue with the leftover easter egg paint, put the nest back, and put the eggs inside. she wasn't fooled.

His eye is on the sparrow

2006-04-21T14:48:00.000-04:00

our Christmas wreath is still on our front window. i heard ticking noises the other night, so luci and i looked and found a nest built into the wreath. "look luci! the birdie's gonna have 2 babies, just like mommy!" every day we've been watching to see if anything hatched yet.

it's been a hard month. 2 weeks of nights with a week of the family having rotavirus (diarrhea/vomiting) sandwiched in between. we managed to make it. luci went to the e.r. for iv hydration though. 'lijah is growing out of his 'ball' phase. he now seems to have limbs and wants to stretch them. we say, "head up, lijah!" and he perks his bald head up like an octopus.

usually when i get home, or when i first wake up, luci asks if i have to go to work. if i say no, she does a little dance and shouts, "MOMMY NO WORK TODAY!" alas, i'm on call tonight, and i'm on all weekend. i'm tempted to be miserable, except there's a young couple who came in all excited this morning with contractions. today's the day they must have been thinking. except when we hooked her to the monitor we found her baby died during the night. no way to predict it; it was an otherwise totally uncomplicated pregnancy. i walk by her labor room and hear her screams... it's different though... i think most of it is out of anguish and grief. i imagine them leaving this place with an empty car seat, home to a beautiful, empty nursery. God have mercy. Mommy Mary receive their child into your arms.

my prayer

2006-04-13T02:15:00.000-04:00

my dearest beloved Lord and mommy Mary
please improve my heart
help me to be more simple and loving and generous
i am sorry for being lukewarm and for taking You for granted
knowing how much You love me

please help me understand my calling more clearly
so that my work can be fruitful
not only as a resident
but as a wife, daughter, and mother

above all, please give me time with my family
dear Lord, please, if it be your will
because it saddens me to leave them as often as i do
and i know they need me too

please give me the grace and endurance
if it be Your will for me to continue this residency
if i may be so bold to ask for a little sign
amen

luci the kraken

2006-04-05T09:36:00.000-04:00

luci... the kraken! it's an obnoxious song gary coined. those are the words, repeated over and over. it involves fast hard strumming on the acoustic guitar with a lot of minor sliding bar chords. it ends with a ludicrous gentle strum on a major chord. we were giving her a bath and she kept standing up out of the water and screeching. so we named her 'kraken', after the water beast in clash of the titans. i love it when she requests, 'sing kraken daddy...'

luci met me at the door after work wearing her pink fairy wings, tutu, crown, and ballet shoes. 'hi nori!' she waved her magic wand at me. nori is the mermaid from barbie mermaidia. 'hi elina!' i played along. i got off my shift earlier than i thought, so we all celebrated by going out for krispy kreme and fresh air. luci ate a whole donut, then went after another one with sprinkles. 'my tummy hurts, mommy.' 'yeah,' i said, 'don't eat too much of the sweet parts...'

in the middle of the night she climbed into bed with us. 'i have to go poop daddy.' yeah right. she's used that one on us before. it's a ploy to get us to go downstairs and play when its bedtime. then gary woke me up at 5:30, wretching and gagging. 'mad! luci threw up on your back!' gary has a really weak stomach. i realized i was kind of wet... she missed 'lijah by mere centimeters, but of course he just lay there giggling with his lopsided smile.

thus begins the day. i left at 7:00 and it was still coming out of both ends. i sneaked back after morning report with gatorade from the cafeteria. i love living across the street. poor g. what a guy. what a daddy. yesterday he was playing songs from barbie for her on the keyboard, 'once a lass met a lad, and a gentle one was he... i'll be yours if i know that you love me for me.'

overheard

2006-03-30T19:10:00.001-05:00

'hi daddy, my name is luci and i have a poop in my diaper.'

it's been an awful week of nights. craziest thing seen: we took someone to c-section for bad heart tones. the baby not only had the cord around its neck, which happens all the time and isn't a big deal... but it was grasping its cord really tightly in its right hand. one of my attendings told me not to get curious and ultrasound myself when i was pregnant with 'lij. she was having fun herself and saw her little boy squeezing his cord, releasing, squeezing... his heart tones would crash, then come back up. you just don't want to know. makes me thankful for guardian angels.

i left 'lij alone for a second and came back to find him wrestling with his toy octopus. he's at the point where he'll be eating, then stop to smile at me. i love his eyes.

praise God II

2006-03-26T07:49:00.000-05:00

so... Gary's school is taking a hit. there are 5 paychecks left this year, and they're proposing spreading them out through the fall. so basically he'd get 2.5 paychecks until the end of the school year. i was surprisingly calm when he told me. we all went out for fish fry and didn't really think about it. "you know we're going to be ok, right?" he asked. "yeah...we don't really have a choice but to be ok."

then saturday morning i hear him screaming from the living room. "what?!" i was scared for a second. "is 'lijah ok?" he hands me this letter that i'd accidentally thrown into the non-important mail file. it's from pfizer. it says that he never cashed his last check from 7.14.2000. we have 3 weeks to cash it before the money goes to the state. it adds up to approximately 2.5 paychecks.

again, He is making it obvious for us. yesterday i kept thinking, as often as i take Him for granted i don't deserve blessings. but i also remember it's not about me and what i've done... the price has been paid.

here's where the story ends

2006-03-25T09:36:00.000-05:00

there's been a lot of chick imagery, being springtime and so close to Easter. 'hey luci,' i said, 'when i was a little girl grandma got me two chicks!' she turned from the tv and really started listening. 'grandma stopped by a farm and got chicks for uncle marv, uncle gub, and mommy... they were so cute!' she kept listening. 'they had sharp feet so it hurt when they were on my arm, but they said 'peeek peeek' and were so cute!'

'then what happened mommy?'

'they got big.... and they became roosters!'

'then what mommy?'

(silence)

the untold story: mommy came home from school and grandma and grandpa had made chicken stew. it was so yummy with carrots, potato, and bean thread noodles. then uncle marv, uncle gub and mommy went to play outside. we were hitting the baseball and rounding the bases. first base was the clothesline. second base was a tree stump, which happened to be bloody and have feathers around it today. hmmm. maybe the cat got a bird. third base was a gopher hole. and home base was the patio. hmm.

march recap

2006-03-25T01:40:00.000-05:00

luci in own 'bed'
'lij out of shell with chirps, screeches, and the lop-sided smile
luci = dragon kite face/baby penguin/hopper/nemo
'lij = ball/pelota/'lots(or. pelota)/sciops (or. scio pao)
mommy = gracie(or. scamper)/dory/mommy penguin
daddy nicknames = prince charming/daddy penguin
luci somewhat using the potty
'lij smiling as luci almost knocks his eyeballs loose rocking him

milestones

2006-03-17T09:31:00.001-05:00

the other night luci made a bed for herself about 4 feet away from our bed. i thought, hmm, novelty... then i woke up at 5:30. where was she? gary said, "can you believe she slept by herself?" it sank in. it began. my heart felt heavy.

when she was 2 months old we were at a wedding, and suddenly it struck me how it seemed like just yesterday that i delivered her, and one day i'd be helping her get dressed on her wedding day too. people thought i was crazy, after all, she was just born. yesterday we delivered a beautiful little girl. her father stared at her as she lay in the warmer and said softly, "time is going to fly so fast... i love you so much..." people were giving him a hard time too.

last night luci made her own bed and announced 3 or 4 times, "my own bed." ok, ok.... gary said prayers with her while i fed 'lijah. i heard her say, "daddy sleep here?" "no luci, i sleep with mommy up there." then i climbed down and said goodnight to her. i kissed my big girl. she said, "mommy, stay and sleep here?" "no, luci, i'm going back to sleep with daddy, but i can lie here for awhile." i closed my eyes and almost drifted off.

"mommy, sleep in your bed."
"yes, luci, i will."
"no... mommy, i come too."
"really?"

i all too eagerly scooped her up and plopped her right next to me. she put her face in my neck and her knee in my back, and was instantly in dreamland. in the meantime 'lijah was squirming, waiting for a snack. i must never take any of this for granted.

pink walls

2006-03-14T13:46:00.000-05:00

very cool lecture this morning. all about contraception. pills, patch, ring, barrier, iud, 'emergency' contraception, sperimicide, permanent sterilization... and last but not least, nfp. it was a pretty lighthearted discussion. one resident talked about how her nuva ring would squeak while she was doing yoga. another resident talked about how she regrets letting her husband get a vasectomy, so she's going to get him drunk and do the reversal herself some day. we went down the list and talked about the pros/cons of each, and from our pool of residents, each method had been tried at least once if not currently in use. except nfp. after every slide someone would chime in, 'and that's what i use!' then after the nfp slide i got to chime in, 'and that's what i use!' i was expecting an uncomfortable silence, and prepared for a nice cricket at nighttime joke. but it turned into a good, honest, open discussion for about 3 minutes. praise God, He set me up!

friday i was in love. i was about to leave for a whole two-day weekend completely pager-free. so giddy. the last words out of my mouth were to a patient, 'take it easy... get rest, and don't puff the magic dragon.' my friend was like, did you actually just say that?!

i miss luci and 'lij again. wonderful, big-eyed, talkative, spirited, sometimes stinky, cuddly products of natural, synthetic hormone-free, Spirit-breathed conception.

mcdreamy

2006-03-06T10:52:00.000-05:00

gary cantored for the first time yesterday... it was strange because i knew he was so nervous. it was nerve-wracking but at the same time... it's mass, not a vibe/post-vibe/greenie/lakeside thing. his voice just floated, the tone was so warm and the vibrato was there. he did a piece on the acoustic guitar during a time of reflection, 'He knows my name'. afterward fr. dave introduced him to the congregation as the youth activities coordinator, and said, "doesn't he have a good voice?" everyone applauded.

i felt like a college girl again... as if watching him sail into a fasa meeting with his guitar. but afterward i thought, yikes, you almost wouldn't want someone to do such a good job... it's the perfect opportunity for pride to enter in, for the devil to twist it all up when it's supposed to be for God.

gary said that during the communion song he felt like he was serenading Him.

nights again

2006-02-28T02:53:00.000-05:00

the good thing about these forsaken nights... i can spend the day with the kids as long as i can stay awake. luci ran to me and hugged me this morning. i said, "oh luci, i can't get enough of hugging you." she said, "you want more mommy? come to the bedroom..." it was in the funniest tone of voice too. there was one time when gary went to this asian market looking for scio pao for me. the saleswoman was so rude. she kept following him around barking at him, asking why he was looking for this and that. finally he said he was trying to buy something for his wife. her tone sweetened and she said, "is your wife a korea?" he said, "no..." and she promptly resumed her badgering. anyway, when luci gets that tone of voice we always remember that old korean lady.

gary likes to be a dork too, because he thinks he's still flying under the radar. luci was getting sleepy and he said, "hey luci, why don't you go to bed early so mommy and i can make magic..." she said, "make cupcakes too, daddy."

-ia

2006-02-26T00:00:00.000-05:00

it's luci's new play on words...

i need my blankey-ia
i've got to go pee-ia
take a picture of me-ia
mommy-ia

a.m. rush

2006-02-24T08:14:00.000-05:00

i feel like i'm always tripping on myself in the morning. the windshield had enough frost on it to necessitate some scraping, but not enough to actually scrape. i drove the 45 sec commute (praise God!) using a lot of antifreeze and the wipers on high speed. i'm always 5 minutes late somehow. i didn't read any of the shampoo bottles today, nor did i daydream while cleaning my ears...

but i did stop and watch the kids sleep again. and when i got out of the shower they were both sitting up, smiling (yes 'lijah too), watching the wiggles. i guess i don't mind the hairy eyeball at work if it means i got my before-work hug, "i love you so much, mommy.... what is 'so much?'"

rules

2006-02-21T08:09:00.000-05:00

luci has a red barn with animals, but oftentimes she transfers the animals to her dollhouse. she stuck the cow in the balcony and said, "what does the cow say, mommy?"

i started to say, "hey, let's name her juliet, and she will say 'romeo, romeo..."

luci interrupted back, "the cow says 'mooo', mommy."

i got to work today and people were surfing the internet for some nude female curlers on the olympic team. i've been out of the loop for so long, but managed to get the gist of it. so... i felt somewhat deflated... like our pool of role models for our kids has shrunk yet again. of course they asked my opinion and i told them i was going to be the wet blanket, because i didn't support it, even as a fundraiser. i thought sports helped your kids focus and build self esteems that could somewhat keep them away from stuff like sex.

rock me amadeus

2006-02-16T08:26:00.000-05:00

that song got my uncle, bless his soul, in trouble. he started speeding, and when the sirens came he muttered, "damn you amadeus." it's been a family joke for a long time.

yesterday was a very good day in gyneland. i was slotted to do a c-section with one of the attendings, who is also the head of the department. i anticipated a lot of anxiety, so i was tripping over myself to be extra prepared. then my really good friend stacey, another fellow 2nd year who also happened to do elijah's section, walked in the o.r. scrubbed. "dr. b. says we can do it," she said, smiling under the mask. it was so much fun. it was like going to the mall with your sister... but different.

"i'll take the knife back please."
"oh, honey, have you tried the bovie? "(electrocautery)
"hey, i didn't know you were a bovie-girl"

there was so much estrogen in there i thought the walls would turn pink. but it was the most fun surgery i've ever done. we were careful, of course, and it was actually a hard case since it was the patient's 4th c-section, so her bladder was scarred all the way to the front. when we were done there were coffees waiting for us, care of dr. b. my favorite - decaf mocha with whipped cream.

sounds dreamy, right? actually, our program has taken a lot of hits. the morale has had its ups and downs, and one of the first years quit and left the rest of us scrambling to cover his shifts. so the one weekend i thought i had off this month? gone. i think dr. b. was making an effort to turn a new leaf for everyone, though.

valentine's day was very nice. we all got each other cards, and i even found a big fat stuffed penguin at the gift shop for luci. after i promised i wouldn't get her any more stuffed animals. i really felt my love for my family that day, and how they've all pulled together to help me succeed at this residency. even gary, after sleeping less than me at times, and lacking the 3 boobs to make life easier, was singing as he changed 'lijah's diaper...

your nutsack my friend
is blowing in the wind
your nutsack is blowing in the wind

that's the litmus test if all is well.

not home

2006-02-10T23:55:00.000-05:00

i'm imagining luci, a little too petulant for her age, in a docile mood... snuggling up to gary in her pink nightgown with the elephants. she's probably asking to watch monster's inc again before bedtime. in the past few weeks she's been able to make it through the scary opening scene. doubt she'd do it willingly if she didn't actually sleep with us. (*yes, we have the family bed) i miss how her eyelashes hit my cheek when i kiss her, and how the fingers she sucks on smell like ba-ba. her head is always just a little sweaty.

then there's 'lijah... this morning he smelled like butter. i couldn't figure out why. i thought something spilled in the kitchen, or maybe gary was holding him after having toast. later i realized it was the combination of breast/formula stool soaked up in this new brand of diapers we bought. poor little guy. i love his cry... it sounds like a cross between a cat and a lamb. he usually sleeps under my right arm and drinks all night. i don't even have to wake up anymore since he's become so adept. tonight he gets the bottles.

gary looked so handsome this morning. i met him in the driveway just as he was leaving for work. his burnt orange plaid tie was peeking through the toggle of his navy duffle coat. i love that coat... it's so... dead poets society. that's another story in itself. i originally ordered that coat online from this place in london. all of you who know me know it's so unlike me to do that. i'm queen of st. vincent de paul and goodwill, gap super sale rack, marshall's... so i ordered the coat in "lake" thinking it was navy. it was something like 150 british pounds. i thought, cool, a navy duffel coat from england that only costs 75 bucks. the result... a smurf blue duffel coat that cost $320 (i did the conversion the wrong way). worst part is i tried to actually get him to like it. so i returned it, shipping and all, and got the navy one.

anyway, gary said to me, "i wish i had boobs... with warm milk... and an extra one with orange juice for luci." i actually stood there imagining it. would it be a triangular or linear arrangement across his chest? it's been a rough week with me back to work and being on nights. he's had to hold the fort down by himself.

there was this scrap of faded paper in the ashtray of our blue car. it's been there since april of 1999, a receipt from detroit metro parking structure. gary was picking me up from the airport, as i had been away for a couple of months to give us both 'space'. we were in that stupid taking each other for granted dating phase. he kept that paper to remind himself how much we've been through. i remember once in 2002 i was cleaning and accidentally threw it away. we drove back to the car wash and dug it out of the trash. so today a bunch of cars at his school got broken into. it was also the first time he forgot to lock the door. they took the change in the ashtray and the paper along with it. i hugged him and said i didn't ever want him to remember me as being gone anyway.

i wish i could teleport into the family bed for just 5 minutes so i could snuggle and smell everyone. i think most people kiss, but i incorporate sniffs.

praise God

2006-02-08T22:10:00.000-05:00

i've found myself worrying lately. our furnace just broke. it's been teetering on the edge since last winter; we were hoping to sell the house at some point without having to replace it. then last tuesday it died. we slept with our coats until the guy came to fix it. now we're out $2800... just when i was breathing a sigh of relief about making it through maternity leave with groceries in the fridge, and not having to use our credit cards.

i also worry about being a good parent, about being there for my kids. can you be a bad parent, even though you're not deliberately selfish or negligent? what if they hate me when they grow up although i've given them my best? what if they choose not to believe in God? (my worst fear!) what if there's something they really need that i can't give them? all i know is i love them and would give my life for them. i think that's all God asks us to do is love whole-heartedly, and He provides the rest...

which brings me to the reason for this blog... i haven't been praising Him enough lately, yet He still looks out for us. aha, i just remembered that i am his kid too! here's something *lucky... gary and i needed to find $700 to make up the difference between my maternity leave disability and what i usually make. he says not to worry. yeah right, we have $200 in savings, and the dreaded credit cards. and that was before we knew the furnace would die. i've never seen us use coinstar as much as we have in the past 2 months. then the call came. gary was asked to play the piano at the 'house of prayer' while their primary pianist went on a mission trip to guatemala. there were 7 services for which he was needed, and was paid $100 per service.

i praise Him for being so blatant, which is what i need sometimes. and of course He knows that.

2:35 a.m.

2006-02-05T02:46:00.000-05:00

gary and i just watched 'exorcism of emily rose'. it's almost 3 and we're both looking at each other. 3 a.m... the demonic witching hour, the mockery of the Holy Trinity and of the time of Jesus' death. but i've been nursing elijah all through the night for the last 8 weeks, i'm sure i've been awake at this time before... nevertheless, i'm out of breath from running up the stairs from the bathroom. you definitely do lose some dignity when you pee with the door open, just in case...

gary is now reading theology and luci is squirming, which means she may wake up soon. she's had a fever for the last 4 days and her sleep schedule has been off too. elijah is cozy on his left side, turned as if i am still right there.

how horrible, demonic posession. i was a third year medical student on a neurology rotation. they brought in a woman with possible pseudo-seizures, which could either be a wastebasket diagnosis, or the previous docs thought she was putting on some act. her voice was abnormally low and her eyes were rolling back in her head. she seemed very rigid and her throat kept bulging out of her neck. her husband mentioned something about her 'acting strange since she had gotten lost for about a week in the woods'. she suddenly looked right at me and uttered, "get oooouuuuut!" why me, out of a team of seven people? i left quickly and without shame. i later asked one of the junior residents, who had little say in her care, what he thought of the situation. his response: "yeah. there was a lot of evil in that room."

so i'm told posession is merely a physical manifestation, although subjectively spookier, equally as hideous as the atrocities we live through every day. sometimes i'd like to forget we are all part of a spiritual battle, especially when i see luci and 'lijah sleep. i pray for a legion of angels to come to them in their times of need.

good night. St. Michael, please be with us.

sad

2006-01-21T15:27:00.000-05:00

i'm back to work in one week. my friend andy is so gracious and always looking out for me, he's working one of my weekends in february so i can have two whole days without a pager the entire month. the seniors are so lazy this year; us second years are averaging about 70-80 hours per week and they're leaving by 2pm latest. still praying for the grace to continue this calling... i'm supposed to be a mom and a wife too...

but luckily i've also had a healthy dose of "those moments"... like when luci and i were catching clumps of snow in our mouths after mass on the way to the car. gary tried and choked, "it went down my esophagus." me, ever anal, "uh, don't you mean your trachea?" he retorts, "but i swallowed it too, so it did go down my esophagus."

i've had the chance to make muffins and play doh, make yummy dinners, bathe both kids, read to luci about penguins. my favorite thing in the whole world is to nap with both of them - one under each arm. then i get sad as i watch them sleep. luci takes my breath away; i pray for a worthy spouse for her, someone who will love her spirit and feistiness. and i wonder what kind of man 'lijah will be... strong, faithful, and hopefully rational...

i need to look upwards so the tears won't actually roll down my cheeks.

new

2006-01-15T13:42:00.000-05:00

new to...
blogging
mommying two kids
little einsteins
being off work

gotta go