j.goolia@timeout.com

i watched luci open the laptop, turn it on, double click internet explorer, select nickjr.com from the dropdown menu, double click on games, and start playing away with more dexterity than i ever had playing super mario brothers. mmmbop mmmbop mmbop (the sound when mario was in the basement/dungeon).

i think of all the wonderful things i want to show her. then i think of all the things out there seeking to corrupt her. she's already in the formative stages! for example, there's a bully at her school named julia. **UHGGHG!** it kills me to think that this bossy little girl is throwing stuff at her and knocking her down. but get this... lucia won't tell the teacher. we keep asking her why, and she evades us with comments like, 'oh, i was busy playing...' or she changes the subject entirely. wow. finally i said, luci, are you afraid to tell the teacher? she said yes.... because julia is friends with a girl named eva, and if she tells on julia, then eva might not be her friend... and "that's why i don't like my new school, mommy." she's only four, and she doesn't understand the whole eva-is-not-your-true-friend-if-she-won't-be-your-friend-if-you-tell-on-julia thing.

i remember when luci was 2 weeks old. i changed a particularly rancid diaper, and it suddenly reminded me of a nursing home. then i had this image of her growing really old, and that i would likely not be there (physically) to take care of her. it made me extremely sad. i can't cushion her from everything, though. especially when she won't stand up for herself.

gary, i guess, already had a talk with the teacher, who says julia is always in timeout. he seems to think she's a troubled girl with problems at home. FINE. but don't throw that stuff in my daughter's face! hence... the ripple effect of sin.

and so it begins.

i feel so alone

so i can’t give out too many details or else it would be a violation of privacy.
so there’s this woman on the ward, with a bunch of other kids at home. i guess her boyfriend, the father of her children, is in and out of jail. she is currently living with his mother. but now she’s pregnant with another man’s child, and facing eviction from her boyfriend’s mother’s house, along with all her children.

now she’s well into the second trimester and she starts bleeding. there’s an abnormality with the placenta which means she needs to be on bedrest so she won’t bleed. then we get an ultrasound to see where things are at and discover her fluid levels are low. by the way, the bleeding she’s experiencing can indeed happen with the kind of placenta she has, but it has way more to do with her history of cocaine and other illicits.

yes it’s a complicated pregnancy. but baby is doing fine and actually looks quite content in there. her bleeding is minimal.

then one of the residents gets a bright idea. since she didn’t want or intend this baby anyway… we should get a better ultrasound through the high risk doctor, given her decreased fluid levels. and maybe, hopefully, we’d find an abnormality… so she could just abort the baby… and be a ‘better mom to her kids’ because she needs to be there for them too. the patient was all for it.

my heart was broken.

this baby did not ask to be conceived.

abortion is not going to solve the fact that her boyfriend is in jail, that she uses coke, that she had an affair while living under her boyrfriend’s roof and likely while his mother was watching her children.

but abortion WILL stop this hopeful little heartbeat from ever reaching it’s destiny – who knows? fireman, priest, sister, rock star, best friend, writer, scrabble geek…

we’ll never know.

but everyone thinks it will solve EVERYTHING.