the best moment

i was gumping around l&d in a bad mood. had to help with a tubal since i was the senior. people behaving miserably. a swear jar exists on the countertop of the nurse's station that's got endless coins in it. i could have contributed to it. then fr. s (parish priest, action figure-worthy) walks by and asks how i'm doing. he's only here because his sister-in-law just gave birth. i shake my head. they've been making fun of his family all day. "i need to confess." he said, "just show me the room."

i remember the first day i met their family. i was given a really bad report at sign-out. people were saying, isn't she done having kids yet?! she's got 7!! please, please, someone talk her into a tubal!!! something about a crazy lady with 7 kids and many abortions with a 'thank goodness' fetal demise. i remember taking a deep breath before i opened the door, expecting to see a foul-mouthed disheveled family with unruly kids watching montel or springer. instead i felt the love and support this family had for each other. 4 of the older kids were there, praying with their parents. the mom wore a scapular and a medal of Our Lady. yes she had several abortions too... spontaneous abortions, a.k.a. miscarriages. i wept as i delivered their 19 weeker, who survived only for a few seconds. i later learned they named him Enoch, i think, which means that he walks with God.

what's weird is the really messed up mentality out there. there's so much pressure on other people to contracept and have tubals. we're instructed to go into the room just after people have their baby and hammer down a plan for contraception before they go home. i remember the sad hopeless look i was given when i was interrogated after luci was born, and i said NFP. the rest of the staff that loves babies have to apologize like crazy when they're pregnant. "it was an accident. yes he's getting a vasectomy this month. i know it's our 3rd kid." why is it anyone's concern anyway?

fr. s and i went into the conference room, where i get my butt shredded on a daily basis, where i feel my guts seeping through my pores on post-call mornings, where i feign intelligence with a quiet stare so no one will call on me and roast me in front of the juniors. In Persona Christi. "bless me Father, for i have sinned...."

i've never felt so much peace and love (delete hippy imagery) at one single moment in that entire place. my penance: read the story of creation and realize the good that i do in cooperation with God. i left the room light-hearted. i get accosted with questions: 'you look like you're glowing! did you just have a quicky in the conference room?!'

nope. just a brief hug from God when i really needed it.