told to my face

"Catholics are staunch and prudish and therefore have bad sex lives."
"Yeah! They're not open to experimentation!"

since when did acts that feel like you're hurting/degrading your spouse in conjunction with daydreaming about other men/women strengthen any marriage and make you more in love with your spouse so that you could have sex with each other for then next 40 years?

butterflies

i was doing an ultrasound when my friend stacey ran into the room and said she needed the machine. she never does that. so i figured it was something big. i unplugged it and ran down the hall with her. my other friend andy was with the other patient who looked nervous; her name is jessica, and we bonded because she named her boy elijah too. long story short, jessica lost her baby girl in the night. ultrasound confirmed that the heart was not beating. not only that but the baby was breech, which meant there was a high chance she'd go to c-section. she opted to have a c-section immediately instead of laboring.

sigh. she was wailing, and her mom, who was with her, practically laid on top of her. i felt terrible. i picked up her elijah and sat him on my lap. we just sat there forever. he didn't mind.

before surgery i went back to her room and she was gone. i thought she might have left the hospital to cope. then she returned from the gift shop. "i had a dream that hannah liked butterflies." (she was going to name her hannah...) "her room is decorated with butterflies." she pulled out a newborn dress and matching booties bought at our gift shop. "i want her buried in this." it had butterflies all over it.

los kiddos

it was 11pm and luci was wild and full of energy. ok, i thought, at least we could settle 'lijah down. i turned him on his side and started to nurse him. luci, for no reason, began shrieking with laughter. i looked down. the boy stopped nursing to giggle -over and over. i didn't think siblings could conspire at that age!

luci was fighting naptime earlier, and she took her purple dress off half-way and started wandering around the living room. the skirt was over her head so she couldn't see... and she ran into one of the really big toys. mommy and daddy were laughing too hard to help her out.

sparrow revisited

hmmm. i looked in the nest today from the window and there are no eggs. there's no sign of anyone/animal tampering with them. there are no broken shells on the ground. there's no mommy or daddy birdie anywhere. i had to break the news to luci. she said, "why's that, mommy?" i was so prepared to be there for that bird family. i would've even dug up worms and left them on the porch for them. and you know how i hate worms.

then the medical student told me what the father of the stillborn child said. apparently he had been reading the koran (quiran/qu'ran) with his wife the evening before they came to the hospital. he read something like 'you will suffer a very great loss, but God will be by your side watching how you will handle it.' that was the night their baby died... because that afternoon they were seen in the clinic and there were still good heart tones/movement.

i remember, sadly, something i did this time of year when i was seven years old. i climbed a tree and saw a robin's nest. i handled the beautiful blue eggs. later i found the nest overturned and the eggs cracked on the ground. i guess robins will do that if they feel their nest/eggs have been tampered with. so i got eggs (grade A large) from the fridge, dyed them blue with the leftover easter egg paint, put the nest back, and put the eggs inside. she wasn't fooled.

His eye is on the sparrow

our Christmas wreath is still on our front window. i heard ticking noises the other night, so luci and i looked and found a nest built into the wreath. "look luci! the birdie's gonna have 2 babies, just like mommy!" every day we've been watching to see if anything hatched yet.

it's been a hard month. 2 weeks of nights with a week of the family having rotavirus (diarrhea/vomiting) sandwiched in between. we managed to make it. luci went to the e.r. for iv hydration though. 'lijah is growing out of his 'ball' phase. he now seems to have limbs and wants to stretch them. we say, "head up, lijah!" and he perks his bald head up like an octopus.

usually when i get home, or when i first wake up, luci asks if i have to go to work. if i say no, she does a little dance and shouts, "MOMMY NO WORK TODAY!" alas, i'm on call tonight, and i'm on all weekend. i'm tempted to be miserable, except there's a young couple who came in all excited this morning with contractions. today's the day they must have been thinking. except when we hooked her to the monitor we found her baby died during the night. no way to predict it; it was an otherwise totally uncomplicated pregnancy. i walk by her labor room and hear her screams... it's different though... i think most of it is out of anguish and grief. i imagine them leaving this place with an empty car seat, home to a beautiful, empty nursery. God have mercy. Mommy Mary receive their child into your arms.

my prayer

my dearest beloved Lord and mommy Mary
please improve my heart
help me to be more simple and loving and generous
i am sorry for being lukewarm and for taking You for granted
knowing how much You love me

please help me understand my calling more clearly
so that my work can be fruitful
not only as a resident
but as a wife, daughter, and mother

above all, please give me time with my family
dear Lord, please, if it be your will
because it saddens me to leave them as often as i do
and i know they need me too

please give me the grace and endurance
if it be Your will for me to continue this residency
if i may be so bold to ask for a little sign
amen

luci the kraken

luci... the kraken! it's an obnoxious song gary coined. those are the words, repeated over and over. it involves fast hard strumming on the acoustic guitar with a lot of minor sliding bar chords. it ends with a ludicrous gentle strum on a major chord. we were giving her a bath and she kept standing up out of the water and screeching. so we named her 'kraken', after the water beast in clash of the titans. i love it when she requests, 'sing kraken daddy...'

luci met me at the door after work wearing her pink fairy wings, tutu, crown, and ballet shoes. 'hi nori!' she waved her magic wand at me. nori is the mermaid from barbie mermaidia. 'hi elina!' i played along. i got off my shift earlier than i thought, so we all celebrated by going out for krispy kreme and fresh air. luci ate a whole donut, then went after another one with sprinkles. 'my tummy hurts, mommy.' 'yeah,' i said, 'don't eat too much of the sweet parts...'

in the middle of the night she climbed into bed with us. 'i have to go poop daddy.' yeah right. she's used that one on us before. it's a ploy to get us to go downstairs and play when its bedtime. then gary woke me up at 5:30, wretching and gagging. 'mad! luci threw up on your back!' gary has a really weak stomach. i realized i was kind of wet... she missed 'lijah by mere centimeters, but of course he just lay there giggling with his lopsided smile.

thus begins the day. i left at 7:00 and it was still coming out of both ends. i sneaked back after morning report with gatorade from the cafeteria. i love living across the street. poor g. what a guy. what a daddy. yesterday he was playing songs from barbie for her on the keyboard, 'once a lass met a lad, and a gentle one was he... i'll be yours if i know that you love me for me.'