not home

i'm imagining luci, a little too petulant for her age, in a docile mood... snuggling up to gary in her pink nightgown with the elephants. she's probably asking to watch monster's inc again before bedtime. in the past few weeks she's been able to make it through the scary opening scene. doubt she'd do it willingly if she didn't actually sleep with us. (*yes, we have the family bed) i miss how her eyelashes hit my cheek when i kiss her, and how the fingers she sucks on smell like ba-ba. her head is always just a little sweaty.

then there's 'lijah... this morning he smelled like butter. i couldn't figure out why. i thought something spilled in the kitchen, or maybe gary was holding him after having toast. later i realized it was the combination of breast/formula stool soaked up in this new brand of diapers we bought. poor little guy. i love his cry... it sounds like a cross between a cat and a lamb. he usually sleeps under my right arm and drinks all night. i don't even have to wake up anymore since he's become so adept. tonight he gets the bottles.

gary looked so handsome this morning. i met him in the driveway just as he was leaving for work. his burnt orange plaid tie was peeking through the toggle of his navy duffle coat. i love that coat... it's so... dead poets society. that's another story in itself. i originally ordered that coat online from this place in london. all of you who know me know it's so unlike me to do that. i'm queen of st. vincent de paul and goodwill, gap super sale rack, marshall's... so i ordered the coat in "lake" thinking it was navy. it was something like 150 british pounds. i thought, cool, a navy duffel coat from england that only costs 75 bucks. the result... a smurf blue duffel coat that cost $320 (i did the conversion the wrong way). worst part is i tried to actually get him to like it. so i returned it, shipping and all, and got the navy one.

anyway, gary said to me, "i wish i had boobs... with warm milk... and an extra one with orange juice for luci." i actually stood there imagining it. would it be a triangular or linear arrangement across his chest? it's been a rough week with me back to work and being on nights. he's had to hold the fort down by himself.

there was this scrap of faded paper in the ashtray of our blue car. it's been there since april of 1999, a receipt from detroit metro parking structure. gary was picking me up from the airport, as i had been away for a couple of months to give us both 'space'. we were in that stupid taking each other for granted dating phase. he kept that paper to remind himself how much we've been through. i remember once in 2002 i was cleaning and accidentally threw it away. we drove back to the car wash and dug it out of the trash. so today a bunch of cars at his school got broken into. it was also the first time he forgot to lock the door. they took the change in the ashtray and the paper along with it. i hugged him and said i didn't ever want him to remember me as being gone anyway.

i wish i could teleport into the family bed for just 5 minutes so i could snuggle and smell everyone. i think most people kiss, but i incorporate sniffs.