nights again

the good thing about these forsaken nights... i can spend the day with the kids as long as i can stay awake. luci ran to me and hugged me this morning. i said, "oh luci, i can't get enough of hugging you." she said, "you want more mommy? come to the bedroom..." it was in the funniest tone of voice too. there was one time when gary went to this asian market looking for scio pao for me. the saleswoman was so rude. she kept following him around barking at him, asking why he was looking for this and that. finally he said he was trying to buy something for his wife. her tone sweetened and she said, "is your wife a korea?" he said, "no..." and she promptly resumed her badgering. anyway, when luci gets that tone of voice we always remember that old korean lady.

gary likes to be a dork too, because he thinks he's still flying under the radar. luci was getting sleepy and he said, "hey luci, why don't you go to bed early so mommy and i can make magic..." she said, "make cupcakes too, daddy."

-ia

it's luci's new play on words...

i need my blankey-ia
i've got to go pee-ia
take a picture of me-ia
mommy-ia

a.m. rush

i feel like i'm always tripping on myself in the morning. the windshield had enough frost on it to necessitate some scraping, but not enough to actually scrape. i drove the 45 sec commute (praise God!) using a lot of antifreeze and the wipers on high speed. i'm always 5 minutes late somehow. i didn't read any of the shampoo bottles today, nor did i daydream while cleaning my ears...

but i did stop and watch the kids sleep again. and when i got out of the shower they were both sitting up, smiling (yes 'lijah too), watching the wiggles. i guess i don't mind the hairy eyeball at work if it means i got my before-work hug, "i love you so much, mommy.... what is 'so much?'"

rules

luci has a red barn with animals, but oftentimes she transfers the animals to her dollhouse. she stuck the cow in the balcony and said, "what does the cow say, mommy?"

i started to say, "hey, let's name her juliet, and she will say 'romeo, romeo..."

luci interrupted back, "the cow says 'mooo', mommy."

i got to work today and people were surfing the internet for some nude female curlers on the olympic team. i've been out of the loop for so long, but managed to get the gist of it. so... i felt somewhat deflated... like our pool of role models for our kids has shrunk yet again. of course they asked my opinion and i told them i was going to be the wet blanket, because i didn't support it, even as a fundraiser. i thought sports helped your kids focus and build self esteems that could somewhat keep them away from stuff like sex.

rock me amadeus

that song got my uncle, bless his soul, in trouble. he started speeding, and when the sirens came he muttered, "damn you amadeus." it's been a family joke for a long time.

yesterday was a very good day in gyneland. i was slotted to do a c-section with one of the attendings, who is also the head of the department. i anticipated a lot of anxiety, so i was tripping over myself to be extra prepared. then my really good friend stacey, another fellow 2nd year who also happened to do elijah's section, walked in the o.r. scrubbed. "dr. b. says we can do it," she said, smiling under the mask. it was so much fun. it was like going to the mall with your sister... but different.

"i'll take the knife back please."
"oh, honey, have you tried the bovie? "(electrocautery)
"hey, i didn't know you were a bovie-girl"

there was so much estrogen in there i thought the walls would turn pink. but it was the most fun surgery i've ever done. we were careful, of course, and it was actually a hard case since it was the patient's 4th c-section, so her bladder was scarred all the way to the front. when we were done there were coffees waiting for us, care of dr. b. my favorite - decaf mocha with whipped cream.

sounds dreamy, right? actually, our program has taken a lot of hits. the morale has had its ups and downs, and one of the first years quit and left the rest of us scrambling to cover his shifts. so the one weekend i thought i had off this month? gone. i think dr. b. was making an effort to turn a new leaf for everyone, though.

valentine's day was very nice. we all got each other cards, and i even found a big fat stuffed penguin at the gift shop for luci. after i promised i wouldn't get her any more stuffed animals. i really felt my love for my family that day, and how they've all pulled together to help me succeed at this residency. even gary, after sleeping less than me at times, and lacking the 3 boobs to make life easier, was singing as he changed 'lijah's diaper...

your nutsack my friend
is blowing in the wind
your nutsack is blowing in the wind

that's the litmus test if all is well.

not home

i'm imagining luci, a little too petulant for her age, in a docile mood... snuggling up to gary in her pink nightgown with the elephants. she's probably asking to watch monster's inc again before bedtime. in the past few weeks she's been able to make it through the scary opening scene. doubt she'd do it willingly if she didn't actually sleep with us. (*yes, we have the family bed) i miss how her eyelashes hit my cheek when i kiss her, and how the fingers she sucks on smell like ba-ba. her head is always just a little sweaty.

then there's 'lijah... this morning he smelled like butter. i couldn't figure out why. i thought something spilled in the kitchen, or maybe gary was holding him after having toast. later i realized it was the combination of breast/formula stool soaked up in this new brand of diapers we bought. poor little guy. i love his cry... it sounds like a cross between a cat and a lamb. he usually sleeps under my right arm and drinks all night. i don't even have to wake up anymore since he's become so adept. tonight he gets the bottles.

gary looked so handsome this morning. i met him in the driveway just as he was leaving for work. his burnt orange plaid tie was peeking through the toggle of his navy duffle coat. i love that coat... it's so... dead poets society. that's another story in itself. i originally ordered that coat online from this place in london. all of you who know me know it's so unlike me to do that. i'm queen of st. vincent de paul and goodwill, gap super sale rack, marshall's... so i ordered the coat in "lake" thinking it was navy. it was something like 150 british pounds. i thought, cool, a navy duffel coat from england that only costs 75 bucks. the result... a smurf blue duffel coat that cost $320 (i did the conversion the wrong way). worst part is i tried to actually get him to like it. so i returned it, shipping and all, and got the navy one.

anyway, gary said to me, "i wish i had boobs... with warm milk... and an extra one with orange juice for luci." i actually stood there imagining it. would it be a triangular or linear arrangement across his chest? it's been a rough week with me back to work and being on nights. he's had to hold the fort down by himself.

there was this scrap of faded paper in the ashtray of our blue car. it's been there since april of 1999, a receipt from detroit metro parking structure. gary was picking me up from the airport, as i had been away for a couple of months to give us both 'space'. we were in that stupid taking each other for granted dating phase. he kept that paper to remind himself how much we've been through. i remember once in 2002 i was cleaning and accidentally threw it away. we drove back to the car wash and dug it out of the trash. so today a bunch of cars at his school got broken into. it was also the first time he forgot to lock the door. they took the change in the ashtray and the paper along with it. i hugged him and said i didn't ever want him to remember me as being gone anyway.

i wish i could teleport into the family bed for just 5 minutes so i could snuggle and smell everyone. i think most people kiss, but i incorporate sniffs.

praise God

i've found myself worrying lately. our furnace just broke. it's been teetering on the edge since last winter; we were hoping to sell the house at some point without having to replace it. then last tuesday it died. we slept with our coats until the guy came to fix it. now we're out $2800... just when i was breathing a sigh of relief about making it through maternity leave with groceries in the fridge, and not having to use our credit cards.

i also worry about being a good parent, about being there for my kids. can you be a bad parent, even though you're not deliberately selfish or negligent? what if they hate me when they grow up although i've given them my best? what if they choose not to believe in God? (my worst fear!) what if there's something they really need that i can't give them? all i know is i love them and would give my life for them. i think that's all God asks us to do is love whole-heartedly, and He provides the rest...

which brings me to the reason for this blog... i haven't been praising Him enough lately, yet He still looks out for us. aha, i just remembered that i am his kid too! here's something *lucky... gary and i needed to find $700 to make up the difference between my maternity leave disability and what i usually make. he says not to worry. yeah right, we have $200 in savings, and the dreaded credit cards. and that was before we knew the furnace would die. i've never seen us use coinstar as much as we have in the past 2 months. then the call came. gary was asked to play the piano at the 'house of prayer' while their primary pianist went on a mission trip to guatemala. there were 7 services for which he was needed, and was paid $100 per service.

i praise Him for being so blatant, which is what i need sometimes. and of course He knows that.

2:35 a.m.

gary and i just watched 'exorcism of emily rose'. it's almost 3 and we're both looking at each other. 3 a.m... the demonic witching hour, the mockery of the Holy Trinity and of the time of Jesus' death. but i've been nursing elijah all through the night for the last 8 weeks, i'm sure i've been awake at this time before... nevertheless, i'm out of breath from running up the stairs from the bathroom. you definitely do lose some dignity when you pee with the door open, just in case...

gary is now reading theology and luci is squirming, which means she may wake up soon. she's had a fever for the last 4 days and her sleep schedule has been off too. elijah is cozy on his left side, turned as if i am still right there.

how horrible, demonic posession. i was a third year medical student on a neurology rotation. they brought in a woman with possible pseudo-seizures, which could either be a wastebasket diagnosis, or the previous docs thought she was putting on some act. her voice was abnormally low and her eyes were rolling back in her head. she seemed very rigid and her throat kept bulging out of her neck. her husband mentioned something about her 'acting strange since she had gotten lost for about a week in the woods'. she suddenly looked right at me and uttered, "get oooouuuuut!" why me, out of a team of seven people? i left quickly and without shame. i later asked one of the junior residents, who had little say in her care, what he thought of the situation. his response: "yeah. there was a lot of evil in that room."

so i'm told posession is merely a physical manifestation, although subjectively spookier, equally as hideous as the atrocities we live through every day. sometimes i'd like to forget we are all part of a spiritual battle, especially when i see luci and 'lijah sleep. i pray for a legion of angels to come to them in their times of need.

good night. St. Michael, please be with us.